The Search for Enlightenment and Creativity

I'm reading Perfect Madness by Donna Lee Gorrell. Very thought provoking book detailing her journey to enlightenment with numerous quotes from zen masters and the like. There is much to be learned from her book yet there is something that doesn't quite ring true - like how should I know as I am far from enlightened? Still, and perhaps it's the innate weakness of the written word which always fails to convey real meaning (describe the colour yellow for instance), there is always this quiet and insistent jangling underlying the text, as if it is written by someone who has done extensive research but doesn't really know the unknowable. I don't know. Maybe it's the cynic or the green eyed monster (I'll have what she's having). Maybe it's just guilt as I've done nothing creative or constructive in weeks. My book languishes on the hard drive. I haven't even looked at it. I'm not painting or drawing anything. I read, play with Dimitri and hide from the dust (a second dust storm swept through yesterday and everything is again covered with a reddish brown film). It's self-disgust- such a useless emotion except when it gets to be too much one is finally motivated to get off one's arse and do something. Ah, notice how I went from using the word 'I' to the word 'one'? A quick and easy way to distance myself from aspects I don't like about myself. Okay, so when it gets to be too much I am finally motivated to get off my arse and do something. Much better. I'm not meditating either despite many opportunities to do so. What is this self-defeating system that I believe I share with many other people. Lack of self-discipline? Perhaps but I suspect it stems from fear. Not doing anything means I'm not putting myself out there. I can't fail because I haven't tried. Each time my days off roll around I swear it will be different. I'll get stuck in; write, paint, meditate, do yoga, all the things that make me feel better for having done them. And then I disappoint myself. It is easy to stay busy with housework and things that appear to be constructive but are really empty. Creativity is akin to God (I still have trouble with that word, that concept - I like the Power That Is, The Source, etc. but they are wordy). God created the world and the universe and God created me with the ability to create. Isn't that a terrific gift? The most marvelous gift - and I sit on it and do nothing.
I work with a kid once a week who is in a band. A heavy metal band. This school holiday he and his mates are putting together a clip to put on You Tube. We were talking about it and he said I probably wouldn't like his type of music. I said he was probably right but that didn't matter. The most important thing was he was making something with his friends that hadn't existed before. They were creating something totally new. Each of us has wisdom to share or we teach best what we most need to learn. So on that note, I'm going to go do something creative even if it's just a pencil sketch of Dimitri leaning into this dusty dry wind.