Flitting between working on a drawing and this computer and watching The Comedians by Graham Greene on telly. Have rather settled here though because I started reading Leo Babuata's Zen Habits, a pastime I feast at rather than snacking now and then. Anyway, one of his blogs led to another blog and to an artist called Jen Lemen. She does these illustrations with vivid primary colours of comforting sayings and simple representations of people and things. The art work isn't my cup of tea but one of her images really resonated because of what it said. The illustration is titled You Can Rest Now. "You Can Rest Now, She Told Me. You Can Truly Trust The Doors to Open While You Rest and Wait and Hope."
I've noticed a couple of times while resting in meditation that tears well up unbidden. When they do it is because I've reached a place of rest where me, the conscious ego side becomes aware in a dim sort of way of the timeless eternal me. This timeless part of me comforts me. I know in its presence that I can relax, that I am safe, that it's all right, that I don't have to try so hard, that I don't have to feel guilty about being me nor do I need to be afraid that my life is not a success because I'm not perfect. I know I do not use my time well. I know that I waste time on trivialities. I also know that I carry an enormous tonnage of guilt because I have everything, absolutely everything here at my disposal for a successful well-lived life and I waste it. If I had to struggle for food, shelter, safety, peace, I would not worry about how I'm living life, I would just want to live. Yet, in this bosom of well-fed Western existence, I doodle nonsense designs with time.
So this deep (for me) place reached while meditating, this true-feeling place, does this mean it is the truth, that being me, with all the accompanying faults and habits clinging, limpet like, is enough? Maybe it is me that must do the forgiving. How to be Your Own Best Friend and all that.
I do feel that I am edging, snail like, to a state that is less guilt-ridden. On the exterior I am thisclose to being vegan. I've given up cheese except for a can of commercial parmesan which is still in the fridge along with eggs bought from a neighbour's daughter who has a few chickens. I won't replace them when they're gone. Thought it would be hard but it hasn't been. An unlooked for side effect is that I've lost weight. I've lost 3.5 kg since November, the last kilo in less than a month (since foregoing cheese). Also, I feel better in myself, physically lighter and less 'clogged' but also emotionally because I no longer am a part of some poor cow's suffering (or goat's, for the rennet). There's a feeling of relief.
Jen, the yoga instructor, is away until July 19. She has given me enough to work on until her return. Not me personally but things I take away from her class. Asanas I find particularly challenging are always included in my session. I've gone from doing yoga in 30 minutes when I started 2 years ago to taking an hour and a quarter. Oddly enough the time goes quickly. Some days are better than others. But every day I do yoga is a good day. Except today. I've not done it today as we've been expecting a couple from down the road to come look at some horse gear. It's getting on to 3 and they still haven't come.
One happy and unexpected surprise is that R has been doing 10 to 20 minutes yoga with me for the past week. I am very proud of him. He's finding it very difficult as he's very stiff (he is after all 65) but am confident with consistent practice he will reap the benefits.
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