Hospital

Richard is in hospital. He went in for a routine inguinal hernia operation and is now in CCU for observation. All went well beforehand. At the pre-sx med check his blood pressure was brilliant, his ECG normal. He was a little apprehensive as one would expect but good. I left him at 1pm as the animals needed doing. He was going in for surgery at 5:00. I was to call at 6:30 when he should have been back in his room. At 6:20 Cameron rang. His sx was delayed, he'd just gone in. I was to ring his room at 8:30 instead. At 8 I got a call from Richard's sister. He was in CCU, something about his heart playing up during surgery. Rang the hospital, couldn't get anyone who really knew the details except he was okay and was only being monitored. Cameron rang, he'd managed to speak to a doctor. Richard would be monitored all night, perhaps sent home with a halter heart monitor, if that showed up any anomalies, it was possible he'd have to be fitted with a pacemaker. Rang the hospital again, got Peter on the CCU ward. Yes, he confirmed all that Cameron said plus telling me that Richard's heart had not beat fully for ONE or TWO MINUTES during surgery. It was half beating but the ventricle was not closing - if I've understood correctly. Perhaps it was only a side effect of the surgery and the drugs but if not....

I'm going down this morning, very soon in fact. Having coffee now which I need as I've slept like crap. Talk about a runaway mind. Two a.m. and I'm still running the same loop through my head. Richard is my everything. I've been thinking the past week about how to write about him, how I feel about him, some of the worries I've had, not related to his health, but hadn't because I wasn't ready. I'm not ready now except to say he must be well. He is strong and good and full of love. He does not need this. Besides his good qualities he does have one that is not so good. He is a worrier. Like his mother. Like his eldest son. He is like a terrier with a bone when he worries. He obsesses. During and after the floods in January I was concerned about it. Before it was just one of those idiosyncrasies that he had that could be passed of as nothing serious but his behaviour post-flood was worrisome. Weight melted off him, partly because we were walking more but more because he worried, lost sleep, didn't eat as much. The next big worry was the termites and just when he was getting to accept that would be all right too this has happened and worry will only aggravate his condition. If he has a condition. Please God, let there be no condition.

I try and discipline my mind to think good thoughts, not to make nightmare scenarios but those gloomy goblins creep in regardless. If something happened to him, I would survive. Of course I would but life without him would be bleak. He is my everything. After 30 years of strangers I met my best friend and lover. I've only had him for 25 years. Not nearly long enough.

There are some good aspects about this (and I know I'm anticipating as the whole story is not known). If he does have a *condition* , than it is best to find out now. Steps can be taken to manage or rectify it. Also, this episode might impress upon Richard the fact that time is not indefinite. He is always going to do something fun later, when he has some time. Fishing, exploring, I don't think he would hunt any more, activities that he's talked of are always in the future, 'when I have time'. He makes time for everyone else. If they need something, especially his sons, he drops everything and goes. As he should. But that same care and attention should be lavished on himself. Perhaps having a scare like this, although he was unaware of it at the time, will cause him to reassess his life. Perhaps to my detriment if he insists we move to the suburbs. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds but as long as he's in it physically and mentally healthy I won't complain.

Just got off the phone to him. He's fine. His heart was fine all night. It's still possible they may keep him in hospital another night. Hope not. Still, we'll do what is required.