Parkinson's Disease.  There.  I've hardly dared think the words, much less write them.  Writing them makes it real somehow and I don't want it to be real. 

I suspect Richard has PD.  Haven't spoken to anyone about it, not even him.  But I have to talk to someone and the journal has always been my confidante of choice.  Worried about putting such a private matter in the public domain but as no one reads my blog it is as private as the many written journals lying about the house. 

Talking to Richard about it is, at this point, not happening.  The closest I've come is to say we'll buy more fish oil and eat more legumes as that is good for the dopamine in his brain and that is good to help allay the tremors.  Interestingly Richard didn't question.  He changed the subject.  He knows something is wrong and is as reluctant as I to bring it out in the open.  But we must I'm afraid.  The symptoms which seem to have come on suddenly are classic PD.  There is no clear cut test for PD, perhaps the closest being if the symptoms are alleviated by medication, but the symptoms do tell a clear story.  I noticed the tremors last year.  At rest his head, hand and leg shake.  Once they are put into use, once the muscle is actively engaged, the tremor disappears.  When he is completely relaxed, as in asleep, I don't notice them either.  Richard often dozes off on the couch.  His head drops to his chest and perhaps the heaviness of the weight negates the possibility of a tremor.  There are other signs however.  Shuffling.  He shuffles his feet.  This is a fairly new occurrence, becoming apparent in the past 6 to 8 months.  One thing he hasn't done for a very long time is swing his arms when he walks.  I remember chiding him about it a couple of years ago.  Has he always walked like that or is it too another symptom?   I have also noticed his increasing difficulty with small things; buttoning a shirt, doing up a zipper, putting the collar on Jamaica.  He is also getting forgetful, leaving the water on in the trough, leaving gates open, forgetting peoples names or the names of objects.  Of course we all forget things but it is more common with Richard than it used to be.  He also has more difficulyt getting out of a chair.  That could just be attributed to age but it is, unfortunately, yet another symptom of PD. 

I'm not sure what to do.  He is my best friend as well as my husband.  Anything he finds uncomfortable he avoids, as we all do I suppose.  Subjects that are difficult are not spoken of.  Or if I insist that we talk, he gets angry.  If I push he'll cave and it can be discussed and usually solved.  But this is different.  This is his health. And it can't be solved.  He has been proud of reaching 65 without being on medication for high blood pressure or cholesterol or any of the other things people of his age normally take.  He's put on 20 pounds since we quit smoking three months ago.  I know he has pain in his hip joints but after I said something about the almost nightly huge bowls of ice cream, the handfuls of salted peanuts and the weight gain he is starting to walk more again.  He was averaging two times a week (the 6km walk) which was just enough to keep him sore without making him fit.  Now he is going (at least this past week) every other day which is brilliant.  Continuous exercise is another arrow in our sling of things to do to keep PD under control. 

If that is what he has.  The thing to do is sit him down I guess, put forward everything I've noticed and ask him what he wants to do.  Does he want to see a neurologist or motor specialist to have my suspicions confirmed or just go on as we are?  If there comes a point where his life is being impacted by the symptoms we can act then.  Perhaps that's the best option.  For today and next week and next month he can still do all that he has done before, just a bit slower.

Another reason, and a very good one, for not discussing my suspicions with Richard is his propensity to become overly anxious and depressed about things he cannot control.  This, I've read, can be a side effect of the disease, but it can also arise when being diagnosed.  Richard fixates on things and goes into an emotional tailspin with little provocation.   Being told you could have Parkinson's Disease would be an enormous blow.  Do I really want to take that risk?  No, now that I've written all this out (thanks again, Journal, for being such a good sounding board) I think the best plan at this time is to get him on the good food and supplements, most of which he is already on as we eat extremely well already, to keep him exercising if I can without alienating him, get him to yoga (he says he'll go but he hasn't made a move yet), to keep out of his way while he struggles with the buttoning and zippering and other vexing tasks and be there in any other way.

If and when we reach a point where he is unable to do the things he normally does or he complains about the symptoms then we'll talk about it and decide what to do.  

I was looking forward to taking a yoga retreat (as a reward of quitting the smokes) in September.  I still might go but if I do I think it will be the last time I will leave him to cope on his own.  Perhaps that's why I should take that little break away.