To a Damaged, Imperfect and Flawed Friend

Dear Damaged, Imperfect and Flawed Friend,

How very glad you are all of the above.  It means you're still here, still working on 'stuff' just like the rest of us poor slobs.  It means you recognise that your current unhappiness is not normal and that you are already in the process of change.  I am sorry you are blue and experiencing a (temporary) lack of self confidence and that inner fortitude that I, and everyone who knows you, sees so clearly. 

What happened to your Big Life?  For whatever reason it no longer suited you.  Perhaps it will suit you again and you will go and create another Big Life.  Because you can.  You know you can.  Then again, maybe a Big Life isn't the answer either.   Maybe just a different life; different from the **** and ***** life, different from everything you've known and done before.  God, if anyone can do it, you can.  Do you know how much I admire you, how I try not to envy you - your energy, your intelligence, your confidence, your wisdom, and that Bigness of Being.  I always feel like I'm not doing enough, being enough when I'm around you.  Not that you in any way try and make me feel that way, not at all.  My feelings are my responsibility, my problem - but you are a bit larger than life and the rest of us are kind of animated shadows in your presence.  Lazy animated shadows.  You've accomplished so much, done so much, been through so much and come out the other side, long striding with a cheeky smile.

It's obvious I see you differently than you see yourself right now.

To me it is also obvious that you are grieving, grieving for what was, as imperfect as it was, as impossible as it was, it was still your reality for over 10 years.  Now it's finished and letting go is a bit sad especially as you're not quite sure where you're going next.  But go you will.  It might mean HUGE changes, changes that you think impossible now.  New chapters usually mean change.

I am sorry you've been disappointed by a friend or friend(s).  That's rough.  First time it happened to me as an adult I was flabbergasted.  I didn't think adults did that to each other, thought adults left it behind in elementary school but I was wrong.  I got over it and did as you have done - just got them out of my life.  Time is the only thing I (don't) own - so wasting it on people who have other agendas besides friendship is verboten.  I owe them nothing. 

You might put out more love when you get assaulted.  I'm not evolved enough to do that.  Self preservation comes first.  No, being really pissed off comes first.  Then self preservation, then letting them go - wishing them well (like I said, not evolved enough for love) but getting them away from me.  I do know that I can love them later.  The one and only guy in my past who physically abused me - first I got myself and my cat out of there, then I did alot of How Dare He?  Then I healed and forgot, then finally forgave him.  Now with the distance of many years I see he had real problems, that he was weak and frightened and quite pitiful.  But took me years to get to a compassionate view of him.  Anyway, you didn't need a betrayal on top of everything else but it might be part of the moving on scenario you're embarked upon.  Who knows?  Or maybe you've outgrown the friendship and they found a way to set you free.  Friends, especially friends of long standing (like close family), reinforce certain images we have of ourselves - but maybe it's the wrong image.  

You're a traveller.  Remember when you rocked up on foreign shores where no one knew you and you were more yourself than you had ever been?  Maybe that didn't happen to you but it did for me.  All the Holly Daughter, Holly Wife, Holly Sister, Holly Friend facades cracked and a somewhat different, stronger, tougher, and more authentic Holly emerged.  Your friends could've done you a huge favour.

LIke you I get depressed about things out of my control.  It's an ongoing life lesson that I'm still very much engaged with.  I rant at the stupidity of people, governments, you know the drill.  And all I accomplish is getting myself upset.  So I try and do other things instead - live my life in a way that treads lightly, write lots and lots of letters to politicians, sign lots and lots and lots of petitions, give money to good causes and then let it go.  I am responsible for my own life, the example I set,  the thoughts I think.  I subscribe to things which tell me good news, or informs me about creative people, and sites which reinforce the beauty beauty beauty in the world.  And thank god I walk the dogs every day.  That hour in nature does so much to restore my equilibrium.  That and the hour of yoga (yoga has changed my life).  But the best antidote to depression  is gratitude.  I thank my ugly feet for carrying me so well, the bed which carries me safely while I sleep, the food, OH THE FOOD!, that I love too much and which others don't have, for Richard, always for Richard, the cats, the headache which feels so good when it's gone, for everything.  Can't meditate very well  so that deep well of stillness is elusive, but I can and do give thanks.

For you too.  For your troubles which will make you shine even brighter.  The wisdom you have, the compassion you share, the love you give so unselfishly - do you think you can be what and who you are and live old and alone, in that very small life?  No, your spirit is too large and radiant for that.  And if it doesn't feel that way now.  Just wait, it will.