The Email Bitch

I like to think I'm so mature, so wise, so adult but standing outside and observing my mind obsessing about trivia, about how others may or may not treat me, I realise I am just as immature as I ever was.  How disappointing.

Read somewhere, wish I could remember where, about being an 'email bitch'.  An email bitch is someone who writes well thought out emails and gets drivel in reply.  The article didn't say that email bitches also reply promptly and carefully answer any queries in emails received.  It didn't say but it goes without saying.  Sad to say, I'm an email bitch.  I address an email received, comment on all aspects, answer any questions and add some news (but not too much, don't want to be boring!) of my own - all with a less than 24 hour turnaround.  What I get in reply may be days or weeks later, short, relating little or not at all to my email and written without care or enthusiasm.

Enough.

I have had enough.  Know it's immature to care what or how other people think but just can't be bothered chasing them anymore.  Had the delight of receiving an email today referring to the poorness of our communication !?!  If people don't want to put an effort into maintaining a friendship, so be it.  Because I live with the almost saintly R who puts a huge effort into maintaining contact with people I felt I was not a 'good' person for not doing the same.  But it isn't me.  I've always been selfish and remain so.  If there is no effort and 'maintenance' going on the other side then let it go, I say.  True friends, like W, remain friends because there is interest and warmth and love on both sides.  Not just on one side, the one who paddles madly just to keep the 'friendship' afloat. 

It's being used, when they are in the mood and 'need' me for validation on how important and wonderful they are, a service I was happy to provide, but with little or no emotional renumeration in return.

And I know, I KNOW! how futile this is.  How puerile.    Someone wrote a self help book years ago, again I don't remember who.  They spoke about the futility of expecting to be 'stroked' in return for the strokes given.  Or, on a more metaphysical level, why is my happiness dependent upon the opinion or actions of others? 

Indeed.

But because I am not wise, nor transcendent or even particularly mature I have stopped being an email bitch.  I'm just being a pure and simple bitch.  I write them still but I'm in no hurry and I write pretty much how I feel.  Which, for them, is not much.