Post 30 of 92

8:37am.  Have spent too long reading Maria Popova's blog, Brain Pickings (https://www.brainpickings.org/) and now the sun has topped the eucalypts and is arrowing,  with brilliant intensity, straight into my eyes. 

Ah, but what a refreshing dip of the toes I've had into the admirable minds of writers, artists and philosophers.  Gives me a kick up the backside too for it is too easy to let yet another day pass without making an entry here.

Had a chat with my stepson a few days ago about a practical matter but was relieved and heartened by his acknowledgement of Richard's decline.  Neither son has really spoken of it and although I've said a few things, it is the elephant in the room that everyone pretends isn't there.  Except it is and the elephant has morphed into a mastodon.  Hearing him say that he loved me and that he knew how difficult it has been and how difficult it will be made me feel I wasn't entirely alone. 

I realize how it must hurt them too to see their father change and this only a couple of years after their mother died.  It's a raw deal all around.  Strangely, the one person who seems least affected is Richard himself.  In some twisted sort of humanity, the worse he gets, the less he seems aware of it.  What has bothered him most is not driving.   That he is slowly losing his ability to communicate effectively, that he can't remember names (even of Mikaela who he adores), that even his body is losing it's sense of itself and becomes 'frozen' until prodded into the next moment; none of that seems to depress him.  Rather he is becoming more childlike, happy with the purrs of his favourite cat, with tasty meals, with warm clothing on a cool morning, and a warm bed at night. 

On the distaff side, he digs his heels in about things that aren't important.  We are looking to buy a VW Caddy to carry hay.  I spent 20 minutes yesterday explaining that they do indeed have turn signal lights near the headlights.  Finally found a photo online which showed it. 

I want to include him in decision making but it is getting more difficult as he doesn't understand.  What is worse is not understanding him.  Sometimes he says things to me and it's not that I don't understand the words, but because he can't remember the word for the thing he wants to say, he substitutes another word and I have to decipher what he means.  Frustrating for both of us.

But we're good today.  And that's enough.