shame and anger

Shame. Even the word is ugly, it starts with a hiss and ends with a sneer. Ugh. I don't like the word. Nevertheless I find I am never too old to feel it. Which brings up another problem. Regret and letting go. I find it's easy to say 'what's done is done, now move on' but moving on is a little more troublesome. Certainly one has to feel the shame, to know that it isn't something one wants to experience, so that it can be learned from. No point in rolling it around and around, reliving it ad nauseum. That doesn't help. So I am hopeful that in writing it here I will have finished with it and will actually move on.
And the shameful act? I lost my cool, my temper, my equilibrium. I raised my voice. I ordered someone to leave the building. I was very angry.
Anger. Such a dangerous state of being. I want peace in the world. I want peace in my workplace, in my home, and especially in my soul. Anger, such sudden anger, overwhelms me, reminds me that I am only as civilized as my self-control. It has been many years since I've been that angry. That I was verbally abused and accused is no excuse. Others may resort to shouting and comments arising from emotion, but not me. Or so I thought. It was a very humbling experience. The veneer is thin. I've coasted along not because I'm such a *good* person but because I've not really been challenged.
I am hopeful that if this sort of experiences arises again I will remember the shame I felt afterwards and behave differently. And that I'll remember to breathe! So much for yogic breathing in times of crisis. I completely forgot. I was breathing all right, more like hyperventilating. A co-worker, who was also being verbally abused, said the skin on my face was vibrating. A real visceral experience. Wore me out. Adrenaline rushes are one thing, uncontrolled emotion quite another. I know people who are always angry. Maybe one gets addicted to that sort of emotional rush. I don't know. I don't think anyone ever seeks out shame though. Live and learn. Live and learn.