There is baggage attached to the world 'should'. Hefty knapsacks you sling over your own shoulder or bulging holdalls you attempt to hand to others. 'I should, you should', are loaded with much more than the desire to accomplish something laudable. They are loaded gun weapons used to force acquiesence to some scripted life plan. How much nicer is the word 'could'? Could implies free will, free from judgement and the shackling opinon of others, or yourself.
I'm a bad person because I should have done this rather than that. I should quit smoking, be more sociable, be a better artist/writer/wife/woman/human. I should be more tolerant. I should have more patience. I should stop swearing. I should should should. What if it read: I could have done this rather than that. I could quit smoking, be more sociable, be a better artist/writer/wife/woman/human. Those sentences are ripe with possibilities rather than a report card of my failings. And there's a finality inherent in the world 'should'. I don't know why it strikes me that way. I have no logical explanation yet should, rather than being an avenue to new vistas, is limiting. Perhaps because should is used when trying to change someone who isn't ready or open to that change. By using it I am marking out a clear path of behaviour. This not that. Could, on the other hand, marks the start of possibilities, avenues of choice.
I've been aware of the negative connotations associated with 'should' for many years. I haven't been successful in expurgating it from my vocabulary. Yet. I'm better in not saying it to others but I haven't extended that same courtesy to myself. Yet.
What brought this post on? I used should to myself today. Not a big deal. Small potatoes kind of situation but as soon as the word erupted into my mind, a course was fixed, one I purposely did not take even though I could. One might even say I didn't take that course because I 'should'.
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