A Meditation on Meditating

Meditation is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to learn. The other day there was a point where I think I can truly say I was meditating but it was difficult to maintain. Just goes to show how ferociously unfocussed my mind is. If I *try* I lose it but there is a level of effort involved. It's somewhat like balancing on a knife edge. Too much effort and I'm thinking about thinking. Not enough effort and I'm just thinking. Yet, in that infinite moment of now, when I am balanced it is, conversely, without effort. And it is a very peaceful place; quiet and still although I remain aware of everything around me, including myself meditating.

It is difficult to find the time. The best approach is just after doing yoga when I am energized yet relaxed. Rather than taking the classic meditation pose, I lay in shavasana (corpse pose). Figure if I can't meditate at least I can absorb the benefit of having practiced. The problem is and it's just one of space, is that I share the house. I can't very well ask Richard to bugger off for 20 minutes, especially when it's hot and miserable outside. If I shut myself in a room the cats would be pawing to get in and most rooms are too airless anyway. The living room is the only one with cross ventilation. But it seems Richard knows the time I should be about finished and comes in. I sit up and it's over for the day. As it is, the practice is getting longer and longer. I used to be satisfied with 20 minutes, then 30, 40 and now it's edging toward an hour and a half. I don't begrudge the time. Doing the practice is kind of timeless. It feels as though it takes much less time than it does and I'm always a little surprised when I look at my watch.

The more I practice yoga, the more I see and feel the need to try meditation afterwards. In a way, that's where the real benefit lies. Especially as I'm engaging my mind (or disengaging) in a new and significant way. It's like trying to flex a muscle that hasn't been flexed before. I remember when I tried to learn how to wiggle my ears. The muscles that control ear wiggling had never been used before. I was just a kid then, envious because Mom and Tam could both wiggle their ears. I'd sit and think about wiggling them and that somehow awakened those muscles so that I eventually could move my ears up and down. And still can. So, the *muscle* for meditation exists, it's just never been used before. I trust the more I attempt to meditate, the stronger it will become and the easier it will be to do it. I've even *felt* (oh, how flimsy words are in description!) that meditation space when walking the dogs. I've read of people who can meditate at will anytime anywhere. I know now that it can be done and that one day I'll be able to as well.