The Search for the Divine in Spider Solitaire

Watched Oprah yesterday (why is that coloured with faint shamefacedness as though watching her is a secret but somewhat depraved pleasure?). Anyway on it she had a woman touting a book called Women Food and God. Yeah, interesting, I thought. I'm not obese but I'd like to shed a few kilos (as I suppose 98% of women would). Anyway, the book was not about diet. It was about why women turn to food when they aren't hungry in the first place. Bingo! Because they are searching for that something, that sense of wonder, that sense of something more which if they can just eat enough they might feel. Although I do have a problem with food (barely controlled...there's a 300lb woman inside me screaming to get out) I could relate that directly to my problem with Spider Solitaire. Oh, how trivial, how trite, how totally uninteresting I hear my ever present critic say. Who the hell would waste good blog space on a minute matter such as a Solitaire addiction.

Well, me.

It's serious to me. Who knows what other hidden addictions people contend with. There are the biggies; alcohol, drugs, food, gambling - but couldn't obsessive compulsives be tarred with the same brush. Playing SS for an hour or more, wasting time, could be seen as an addiction. Hell, it IS an addiction. So why devote so much time to this foolish game? Because, as for food, drug and gambling addicts, it NUMBS me. I don't have to think. Some part of my brain is totally absorbed with the game allowing another part (the real part?) to participate as an observer and to therefore not to have to reflect? I don't know. Perhaps it prevents me from thinking of how I do not treasure this life, this Breath, as it should be treasured. I waste time. I lose time...and time is running out. I'll be 55 in a few months. How much longer do I think I have? Yet I waste time by playing the mind-emotion numbing SS?

So that was a good revelation - and because of it (thank you Oprah and Geneen whatever your name was) I avoided playing SS yesterday and have had only one game today (while waiting for the screen to load). Perhaps it won't cure me of it but at least I'll have this small voice in my head asking, what are you avoiding? Or, more to the point, what am I missing? Geneen likened this addiction to food to the persons search for something that would 'fill' them; that sense of wonder, that sense of the divine. Perhaps, as she and Oprah said, the 'problem' is an invitation to search for that which is real, which has meaning, the Divine, the Soul.

On to more mundane matters. Jack the Lad, or the Earl of Jack, came out of his aviary for only the second time yesterday (and the third today). He wants to attack R, which is how we tempted him out yesterday. Today he knew what it was about and was waiting at the door. At first he concentrated on attacking R's feet. Gave R a rake to hold in front as a shield. When he got bored with that he started to explore a little. Algernon was present in the poinciana tree but didn't show much interest. When it was time to return Jack to the aviary he stepped onto the branch without too much trouble.

It's difficult as at the same time as Jack is out we're trying to keep an eye on five galahs who are very adept in spreading out in as many directions.

Took Marvin for a walk with us when we checked and repaired fence in a paddock the horses were moved into today. He was very brave, very good. I think he enjoys these little excursions - about as much as he enjoys being returned to his aviary at the end. It's a big adventure for such a little bird.

Targeting with Dimitri continues to go well. Sat in a different spot on the verandah which put him off a bit but he came around in the end. One day he'll run to the target without hesitation.

Jack. Marvin and Dimitri, The Centaur Drawing

We may lose Jack. He's not dying although he was attacked again by Algernon and bitten on the foot. He's walking very slowly and using his beak as a third foot. We've started him on another course of antibiotics. That's one thing but the other thing is he's not bonded to either of us. G and P came around the other night for tea and Jack went right off. He is obviously bonded to G and as they're monogamous birds it is not fair to have him stay with us if it can be arranged for him to return to them. G and P are working on it, extending one of their aviaries to connect with the main aviary but with a mesh between the two so that Crock can't attack.

I know we have to do what is best for Jack, and we will, but nevertheless we don't want him to go. We've become very fond of him in the time he's been with us. I'm back to scratching him under the wing. He's got better at taking treats and seems less inclined to go into attack mode. Even walked past him this morning to hang his fruit and veggies skewers and he didn't try and bite my feet. He thought about it but he didn't. I've answered P's emails with an 'of course you must take him if it's best for Jack' but couldn't help but selfishly add that we don't want him to go and are very sad at the prospect.

He has many new feathers on his head, all with the keratin sheath. My fingers itch to get in there and remove them for him. I did manage to do one just a few minutes ago but it was a very tentative process. Perhaps if I was like G and just went in there and did things, full of confidence, sure that we are friends it would be different. But then he's bonded to her and not to me. I am scratching him under the wings again. He looks at me as though he can't quite believe I'd do such a thing but he hasn't attempted to reach around and bite. I do have a small advantage at the moment because his feet are sore and he's not moving quickly.

Dimitri grows braver by the day - nano-micrometers of bravery but still, we are happy. Nidji, the released rainbow, has a full day each and every day. He guards the feeder from visiting rainbows, who ignore him, and watches with helpless rage as the satin bowerbirds eat their fill of his food. We've moved his feeder from the tea tree to beneath of deck but the bowerbirds still come. I thought being so close to people and the dogs would be a deterrent but it doesn't seem to matter.

My only constant is Marvin. Sweet loving dependable Marvin. I took him over the brow of the hill the other day. He fossicked around for seeds while I gazed at the bush and watched the birds. When Marvin tired of fossicking he came and climbed my leg to sit with me. He's such a love. Loves to have a scratch, loves to do tricks for a sunflower seed (loves his food full stop - don't know why we can't get him to lose weight when his food is measured each day), loves to have a real snuggle. I am very lucky to know him.

The centaur drawing is coming along slowly. I can't move forward when I don't know what I'm going to draw. The central space is complete, the centaur is complete but now comes the framing sea and sky scape and I'm afraid I'll mess it up. Have had a look at some water pictures for reference but as the look of the water is dependent upon what surrounds it they weren't very helpful. I'll just have to wing it and hope it turns out okay. I wish I was more creative/spontaneous technically proficient. Those things will only come with practice yet my desire for perfect pictures puts a wrench in my ability to draw them. Very self-defeating. Still! We'll soldier on.