Post 47 of 92

Sky is just beginning to lighten.  It's not that early but we're still on daylight saving which makes 6:30 look like 4:30.  There's a push to change back March 1 rather than Easter.  I heartily agree.

Have been writing and painting and reading and practicing guitar and yoga-ing in addition to the usual stuff. Had a pretty bad day last week.  Not sleeping, overly sensitive, depressed but other thatnthat 2 day blip I'm staying afloat pretty well.  What else is there to do?  The deterioration in Richard seems to be more pronounced or happening faster than before.  He was doing the dishes (I cook, he washes up) without water in the sink.  His verbal skills often fail and we spend more time than usual uncovering what he wants to say.  Sometimes he can just show me.  Have made a dentist appointment for next week as his teeth are in a dire need of a clean.  He brushes them twice a day but I didn't know he wasn't brushing them well.  The Parkinsons interferes with manual dexterity so that he isn't getting the brush around his teeth as he should.  Which accounts for his terrible breath.  Maybe that will help.  That and getting him on an electric toothbrush. 

Dental hygiene isn't the sort of thing I considered would be an issue. 

But we're ok. 

Was pushed and cajoled and asked to apply for Art Post Uki, which I did - and was knocked back.  S in a terrible position as she had to tell me when she was the one who nagged, and I mean nagged, in the nicest sort of way, to apply.  Now I have been asked to re-apply.  But I won't.  All my adult life I have sketched and drawn for my own pleasure.  Last year I sold a few pieces, before that I'd given some away, bartered some, had one in a raffle - but there was never any pressure to please any one other than myself.  So I was happy.  Of course some days (many days) I couldn't draw worth crap or was bereft of ideas or just generally uninspired, so although I could be frustrated about my work, I was never sad.  Creating art never made me sad. 

When I was refused I was sad.  Thin skinned, ego deflated, too proud, yes all those things but also really sad.  Someone had a say about my work that meant something.  One auditor liked it, another didn't (awkward composition, doesn't know anatomy).  I've always created stuff for me.  If another liked it, or loved it, wonderful, but it was always for me.  Now I'd let someone else's opinion matter.

So I've made a decision.  No more.  I'll show in the locals, I've got 2 in a raffle next month, but I will never put myself in a position where I'm chasing 'success'.  I was told if I had a 'theme' or made this item my signature in every work or told a story....  This is a different version but the same thing Mal Camin said to me 40 years ago, 'if you change your colour palette your work will sell' and he'd sold out to Worth Avenue and Martha's Vineyard to do family portraits of the wealthy.  He was a talented artist but he was sad.

In twenty minutes I have to take the dogs for their daily 6km walk.  I've been such a good girl lately.  Time weighs heavily - rather the lack of it.  Late 50's already and so much to do.  I've been drawing quite a bit.  Have just finished another pencil drawing.  Will load it onto deviant art eventually.  Have to set aside some time to tackle the photography and uploading (usually, not always, but usually have some issues with the technology which is why I procrastinate).  I've been consistent with riding Balthazar, doing yoga, even painting the last section of living room.  Today has been an off day however.  Rode and yoga'ed and meditated and cleaned but didn't paint.  It's our anniversary, two anniversaries actually.  We've been married for 23 years and we quit smoking (although I think we quit on May 2 actually but for convenience sake we'll call it today, so much easier to remember).

I've made an appointment with the doctor to discuss Richard.  Unbeknownst to Richard as yet.  If I have to tell him I will but I'd rather not.  It scares me although I try not to be scared (am I okay at this moment?  Yes, so don't be scared!  Is he okay at this moment?  Yes, so don't be scared - that's the metaphysical answer anyway).  Still, if he can suggest something I'd be grateful.  I had another 'moment' with Richard when I was absolutely honest about what I saw, what I felt and he has picked up his game.  Again.  Told him he had no hobbies, no interests, that half the time I wanted to yell at him to Wake Up! that he slept too much, was he depressed? at his age he should sleep less, not more, that a million things waited to be done and he seemed to have no motivation to do any of them.  Not that he's lazy.  He's not lazy.  If anything he works too hard (and I think he misunderstood and was hurt by my comments).  He's slashed the paddocks and fixed fence and mown the lawn but there's something missing.  I was going to ask him a favour, that he go to The Shed, a meeting place in town where men get together and make things and mentor  young men.  But we never got that far.  Naturally and quite understandably he gets defensive.  Even so, I think he needs to be stimulated.  He needs male company, not just me.  His world is getting smaller.  Now of course, he is concerned because his sister is having health issues as are his very elderly aunt and uncle.  When he is needed by someone he blooms.  His whole raison d'etre is being needed.  But he has to be needed by himself too. 

It's not just me imagining this.  Helen was here for 2 days.  Was such a relief to discuss this with her.  She noticed how Richard has aged, how he's physically changed, mentally too.  Her mother noticed.  His family has noticed.  I believe it started after he had the hernia surgery when he wound up in intensive care because of some 'reaction to the anaesthetic'.  Something else happened.   This half a heartbeat crap they trotted out - was he starved of oxygen for awhile?  Did he die on the table and have to be resuscitated?  Having been a vet nurse I know stuff goes on in surgery which stays in surgery.  I understand.  They don't want trouble and of course nothing can be changed.  What happened happened.  But the man I married 23 years ago, is only partly present.   And it breaks my heart.