Strange dream (a bit of an understatement)

I dreamed of suicide again last night.  No, I'm not in the least suicidal nor do I wake up depressed and angst ridden.  Then of course dreaming of taking one's life is not to be pooh-poohed as of no consequence either.  This time, and it was so vivid, it was my 2nd and 3rd husband, Wayne who did the deed.  I had a small derringer which I gave to him, asking him if he would.  So he shot me in the eye as a derringer isn't powerful and might not get through a thick skull.  As I died I called out to the cats, I'm sorry!  I love you. and felt terrible as I was shirking my responsibilities to everyone; Richard, the animals, esp. the animals as Richard wouldn't have the wherewithal to care for them

Then I saw myself fall forward.  We'd been kneeling and I keeled over like that footage one sees of executed prisoners of war.  I stood outside myself and watched me die.  But of course I wasn't dead.  I also felt bad because Wayne wanted to die too (he actually died years ago) but I couldn't shoot him as I was already dead.

Strange.

Then not so strange as it seems the dream is only reflecting what I feel.  I feel trapped.  Of course I do.  I love Richard and will stay with him but if I didn't a bit constrained compared to the old age I'd envisioned, then I'd be abnormal.

And we all know I'm as normal as peanut butter.