Getting Close!

She says she wants it.  She says she will pay the price asked for.  She rang the realtor.  The realtor rang me.  Said he would email her a contract today,

Driving into town this morning, I thought my heart would burst with joy.  I didn't realize how important moving close to the sea was until it became possible.  Seeing things with the mind's eye can make things real.  Most days when I do yoga I listen to #13 of the ABC Hush Collection.  There are several pieces, one right after the other, which evoke the sea.  Specifically me in a kayak on the sea.  Me in a kayak riding big smooth wave sets.  Me in a kayak riding big smooth wave sets while watching humped back whales glide underneath. 

Every day I listen to those songs and every day I see and feel me on the water.  The harp and piano equate with sun sparkled water.  The rise and fall of the violins, the rise and fall of the waves.  I just close my eyes and I'm there.

Now I am calling the Universe to provide the perfect property, one with a view, with birdsong from the bush with paddocks suitable for the horses, with a characterful house, and something which provides for Richard all that he requires (big shed and a location where the bush doesn't enclose the house.  He has a thing about trees being too close to the house).  

The house we missed out on at Burringbar provides the benchmark. The house pad was clear of trees yet the bush rose in a wall behind the house from which the birds sang symphonies.  The house was high enough to provide a stunning view of serried hills to the west (and coming storms!).  The house itself was perfect.  Two wings, each with bedrooms and baths and private decks, with the living areas and kitchen in the center.  It was as perfect as I could imagine. 

We've seen, desired and watched other perfect properties sell in the time we've been looking so I know they are out there.  Am not convinced the properties in contention number among them THE property.  But I could be wrong.  It all is in the viewing.

Which hopefully I'll be going to do next week.  Once we've signed the contract, I'm contacting realtors and Helen (for a bed to stay in).

No news on either house.  Ours remains unsold and thankfully so does the Burringbar house.

When we found this place, I knew it was ours.  I knew we belonged here and so we have, for 25 years.  When we walked through the Burringbar house, I knew (and don't want to doubt that I knew) that it was our next new home.  It felt as though it welcomed us, wanted us there as surely as this house did.  Feel this house is on to its next phase, that someone will take it further; insulate it, install a/c, perhaps pave the driveway or enclose the garage.  I don't know but we've done our dash, saved it from a slow decline into dereliction.  It was loved, is loved, and it shows.

Nevertheless, I can leave it and move on.

Again and again I wonder how I have the temerity to want something else, something more when I already have so much.  Oh, the guilt!  The guilt inherent in simply wanting something other than what already is mine by virtue of being alive.  I have no easy answer nor do I have the ability, apparently, to shed the guilt as easily as I would shed a stained shirt.  So I'll move on because this was not the reason I opened blogger today.

I opened it because I was writing a scene in my head while asleep last night, one of the times I was asleep in what is turning into a regular pattern of irregular sleep.

I could just cry right now.  Ran an online 6 card Tarot spread ( http://www.free-tarot-reading.net ) with the burning question.  Will we get that house?  This is the result.

Card 1:  How you feel about yourself »

Strength

You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed.
Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top.
If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.
 (I worry whether I'll have the strength to cope with the move, Richard and his particular health challenges and my own failings - but despite fear have always felt that I'll never be faced with more than I can handle - so yes, I do have the strength).

Card 2:  What you want most right now »

The Hanged Man

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is to have it all! Why should you have to give something or someone up?
Perhaps you feel a victim and that events are not going as planned. Trust that this is a passage from one phase of your life to another.
If you are not sure what or who you need to give up, trust that things will resolve themselves over time and whatever the outcome it will ultimately be to your benefit.
(This sums is up perfectly.  The Hanged Man also means stasis which beautifully describes this limbo we find ourselves in)

Card 3:   Your fears »

Death

You are afraid of experiencing turbulent and catastrophic change, as we all are, yet such challenging transformation in our lives helps create the space for something new.
If you are experiencing or have just experienced losing a job, a bereavement, divorce or the end of a relationship, these changes will allow new experiences and opportunities to enter your life.
(Of course this is the Death of one phase of our life and the start of another.  There are always challenges in change.  It is not only the Death of living here, it is the Death of our relationship based on equal health.  Nevertheless, Bring it on!  )

Card 4:   What is going for you »

The World

Success, fulfillment and conclusion are near at hand - the successful outcome to a venture, satisfaction in a relationship and efforts rewarded. It is a culmination of events and indicates material wealth and greater spiritual awareness. You may choose to buy that dream house or a wonderfully fulfilling relationship is on offer, enjoy!

(What can I say?  'You may choose to buy that dream house', well, yay!)

Card 5:   What is going against you »

The Chariot

Watch out for being too arrogant or letting that ego of yours get over inflated, nobody likes a know it all. Watch that temper too, aggressive bullying behaviour will only set you back. If this doesn't sound like you, beware of someone like this that could set you back. This is a time of movement and change, and conflicts ending in victory, so don't give up.

(Notice a tendency to be impatient with R when he doesn't understand what I'm saying.  It is not him, it is not his fault - so I must watch myself and always ALWAYS treat with love and patience.  A big learning curve for this impatient and knowitall Sagittarian.  Had to stop and backtrack when I found myself making decisions without consulting him.  Have to include him, have to take the time to explain things fully so that he understands and is comfortable with the decisions being made.  So a timely reminder to keep in mind).

Card 6:  The likely outcome »

Justice

Justice will be done. Decisions will go in your favour, particularly regarding partnerships or legal matters. A time for some good luck and reward for your good deeds in the past.

(What can I say but Yes!  and Thank You!)

WRITTEN JULY 4, AT CURRUMBIN BEACH.  2:30pm

Sitting outside, across the street from the beach (mickey bird just landed, looked me right in the eye and plucked a crumb  from the table).  Within seconds of sitting down I saw the telltale plume of a humpback whale heading south followed by the arcing black curve of its back.

The beach.  How I want to live near the beach.  Tomorrow Helen and I go to Nobbys Creek, 35 minutes from the beach, to view a property.   At 3pm we view another, 15 minutes from the beach.  At this point there is no contest.

The sea is calm, not quite glassy but a frustration for surfers.  It is a series of blue and green striations.  The horizon draws my soul out and away and free.

Flocks of seagulls riding the upwelling of sea air hitting the beach.  Warm sun on my neck after 2 degrees at home this morning.  Mellow and beautiful.  Happy.

A guilty pleasure for R is home minding the animals.  And, as much as I love him, I am relieved to be on my own, anonymous and empress of my time for at least a few hours.  Meet Helen's brother at 4:30.  Helen returning from Melbourne 9:30 this evening.

The last time I really had this solitude was in Charlevoix, how many years ago?  Spent the night alone in the house.  What fun.  Beholden to nothing and no one.

July 5, Sunday.

Found the house we're going to buy:  at Burringbar, NSW.

At first we went to the Nobbys Creek house.  Drove through dark green tunnels on a roller coaster road.  (Used the sat nav on my new smart phone.  I am old enough to be continuously astounded by modern technology).  Met a very fine realtor, Wally, at the house.  The outside was just as it looked in the photos; neat, tidy, conservatively landscaped.  The views, the magnificent vista - to die for, steep rocky escarpmets, a vertical wall of rock at athe face of a solid wall of mountains.

Grounds steep, difficult for aviary placement. Lush.  No shelters or sheds near the paddocks.  But doable.  Dog fenced, carport, magnificent shed for R.

Then we went inside the house.  My heart sank.   I wanted to love the house for R's sake.  Nothing obviously wrong with it; bedrooms a good size, neat and tidy and new, bathroom, laundry, all the normal stuff - but it had no soul.  It was cold and barren and although I politely took the tour with Wally, I couldn't wait to get outside.

Is this what it's going to be like, I asked myself.  Is there something wrong with me that I felt such an aversion to a perfectly normal house?  But you can't force a feeling that isn't there.

Fortunately, oh fortunately! Helen hated it too.  She also felt it was cold and barren.

After thanking Wally we left and had lunch at Mavis' kitchen, an old high set Queenslander converted into a popular restaurant, where I had the strongest coffee I've ever had.

Then it was time to find the Burringbar house.  We drove past and then drove to the sea to time it.  Fifteen minutes.  Parked the car, walked out onto an estuary where people were fishing and followed a path to the widest brightest beach and the white wave fringed sea.

By that time we had to drive straight back to make our appointment with the owner. 

Steep driveway after hard right turn inside the gate.  Flat area on top for aviaries although they will have to be a bit scattered, not enough flat land to put them all in one area (NB no near neighbours to be bothered by screaming birds).

J came out with a toddler and a talkative 4 year old and gave the tour.

Won't try and describe each room.  Oh!  First thing I noticed when getting out of the car, which was noticeably absent at Nobbys Creek, was bird song.  A sold wall of jungle rises behind the house - it rang with music.

Inside, a house of toddlers and a man whose wife is on the road; cluttered and dusty and in some places having a slight gamey smell - but what a house!

We could have sold the property, but we refused at the price offered.  I've learned much in the first skirmish.  Not to be so nice for one thing.  Not to be mean but not to try so hard.  When they made their very first ridiculously low offer, in an effort to help them achieve their dream and, of course, to sell the property, we 'met them halfway'. 

That was a mistake.  Our definition of halfway and their definition of halfway were very different.  They wanted half of a half of a half.  Which is why we refused.

Then I lay awake last night thinking that the contract we had signed (and which they refused) would be held in reserve to hold us to it even if we refused their newest offer.  Over a barrel, as it were so that we wouldn't be free to negotiate with anyone else.  I almost snatched the contract out of the realtor's hand to see what had been done to the price.  Happy Day!  They'd crossed out the $402,000 and written $379,500.  It was the original contract.  There was no new contract.  We were free!

When I said this to the realtor he looked at me like I was nuts.  This is normal he said.  And there I was thinking we'd have all kinds of trouble with these people if we did sell to them.  Dealing with them felt like trying to run through treacle.

I don't have the temperament to be a realtor or deal in the property market.  I work very hard on 'letting go' and living in the moment.  Very hard.  Am not very successful.

So now there's another possible buyer waiting in the wings, one who already has an unconditional contract on their home, who has two horse mad teenage daughters (currently attending a dressage school, lucky sods), and who thinks our house at first look was 'everything they were looking for'. 

The father is coming back Thursday, sans daughters, for another look.  The daughters will probably come later, for final approval.  A point in our favour is that the parents know the daughters are poised on the edge of leaving the nest so there is no point in getting a large house. 

I am going to the Tweed on Friday to look at two properties.  The Nobby Creek property, which has the most stunning views one could wish for but is 35 minutes away from the sea, and the Burringbar property, which is close to the sea but may need a bit of tweaking (dog fences, horse shelters, etc.).  The Nobby Creek property has everything even including a bunny pen (one can keep rabbits in NSW, not that we'll get any).  Richard is very much in favour of the NC property.  It IS very neat and tidy and any trees on the 6 acres are well away from the house.  I dislike the huge cavernous living room with kitchen in one corner.  Butt ugly.  And the green paint job is icky too but it does have all wood floors.

Oh, I could go on and describe the two properties for what good it will do.  Must see them.  I'm just glad to have a break away, maybe get a good nights sleep.  Can't remember when I've slept well.  Partly due to Richard, partly due to worry.  And, if I'm honest, partly due to a particularly large and heavy Siamese sleeping on my legs. 

Today Is Not That Day

Had our second viewing (in a year) of the house.  A nice couple from NSW wishing to downsize and be near their daughter who's attending UQ Gatton.  They spent a long time with the realtor traipsing around the property and going through the house.  Thought, hoped, that perhaps we had a reason to be optimistic, until, when they were leaving the man said, 'Thanks anyway'.  Heart sank.

Now I'm just tired.  We scrubbed, pruned, mowed, polished, dusted, rearranged, swept, mopped and did everything but vacuum the cats getting the house ready.   It looked a treat.  It's a lovely old place, over 110 years now.   But its age is only obvious in its grace and beauty.  Structurally she's a rock. 

Thought I had a reason to be hopeful.  Even the elements seemed to conspire to create the perfect picture.  One of the orchids in the fernhouse is blooming, a glowing rich magenta.  It had rained enough to turn the grass into an emerald sea.  The weather was cool.  The skies were grey, threatening rain so we turned on some of the lamps which showed how warm and cozy it can be.  Still. No deal.


Then there were the nerves.  Not sleeping, pacing in my sleep, tossing and turning in anticipation.  All to naught.  Like Richard said, we won't be doing this again.  Once we move, that's it. 

So I feel a little deflated and a lot enervated.    Until next time when we go through the process again.

Realised that not selling our house and buying another in the past year has actually been a good thing as we've refined our ideas of what we want.  Whereas before we would have been happy to go as far as Crystal or Nobby's Creek, now we want to be on the east side of Murwillumbah.  Also, we want a view.  No matter how nice the house is inside, without some elevation and a view, it won't do for the long term.

We find houses that are perfect in imperfect surroundings or perfect surroundings and lacklustre houses.  So the right place hasn't appeared. 

Yet.

Just heard on the tv 'but today is not that day'.  That's for sure.  Another day will be that day.  Of that I'm certain.

breathing back and gratitude

Read a couple of days ago, or rather reread, about the importance of gratitude.  I am grateful and express it every day but suspect REAL gratitude arises on each and every breath during every waking moment.  For when you think about it, that's just it, isn't it?  As I read somewhere else recently, "Thank you Universe for another ordinary day."  But if one actually Sees each moment, there is nothing ordinary about it.  Each moment is a miracle; grass growing, coffee steaming, breathing, cats sleeping, air against skin, thoughts, senses, breathing breathing breathing.

So with this sense of the world being softly supported in its orbit and all things on it as they should be (despite appearances), Richard and Helen found a candidate for our new home yesterday at Burringbar.  Even Richard was pleased and that's saying something.  If Helen likes it I'm sure I will too.  Have always liked the photos although it wasn't one of my favourite saves.  Beyond that I have a lame horse (Pagan, offside hind, no obvious sign of injury) and I've done my back again - this time by the strenous activity of sweeping up broken bits of soapstone from Kwan Yin's halo. 

I spent fifteen minutes on the couch wondering how I was going to get up.  What started as a little tweak morphed into a major spasm so painful I couldn't take a deep breath.  Thought about calling Richard to come home but of course, if I could make it to the phone then I could make it.  Worst episode yet.  Don't know why I get these things.  It's not spine it's muscle.  Today it's much better although I'm moving very carefully and with forethought.  No sudden moves.  Will try yoga but a modified version. 

Looking at art work on line, especially the quite creepy Laurie Lipton.  Quite creepy but quite brilliant.  Started doodling a bit yesterday but don't really have any idea of what I'll do.  Just want to DO something.  An itch that needs to be scratched.  Practice drawing, while valuable, doesn't satisfy nearly as much - rather like drinking decaffeinated when looking for that caffeine hit.  I want to be absorbed into the work. 

Richard's gone to town. All morning to myself. Should be cleaning the bird verandah, which I will, just later. Doesn't work expand in the time available to do it or some such thing? If it does it will take me all morning and part of the afternoon to do the chores. But that's okay. Feels good to be alone and know my time is my own without interruption. Don't get me wrong. I love Richard and do not wish to live my life without him. At the same time, I believe spending time completely alone is necessary. I breathe more deeply.

I have a pastel painting going that I'm excited about. It's a departure from what I've usually done. It's gone through two metamorphoses already. I'd seen, of half seen, this painting on the wall of a room on a television program. This often happens. I see something or partly see something and it sparks off an idea. In this case I visualized a big big sky, a desert sky with pale blue shading down to a pale sand colour. In the back ground were two somewhat horizontal black slashes of colour, like beetling eyebrows and in the foreground, right near the edge of the paper, was a black sphere. But that painting didn't eventuate. The colour wasn't right to begin with and along the way the impact of that mental image vanished. Then I remembered an intriguing water stain that is on the back of an old horse head sketch. Copied it loosely onto the paper. The big black circle from the previous painting didn't fit so I wiped it out. Now I have this sinuous dreamy painting in greens, yellows and blue with some pink. It's kind of abstract but in it is a woman's anatomically incorrect body and a large face in 3/4 view. Not clearly delineated but they are there. Without intending to I've drawn inspiration from Birgit Erfurt's Karma Tarot. Perhaps in the curvy shapes and shadows but definitely there. Still, I like it. It's a far cry from the meticulously (for me) drawn pencil sketches where I lose myself in the details. This is much looser.

A few years ago I went to the Toowoomba Gallery and saw this painting, totally abstract, that was filled with light. It was almost spiritual this light. I kept returning to have aother look. Unfortunately I don't remember the name of the artist. That painting has stayed with me. This last work has the merest touch of that painting. A glow, a sense of things unseen. Admittedly, it's been fun to work with colour again. Even Natalia is cooperating in not playing with the pastel sticks.

The success of the application to quarry the mountain made for a couple of crappy days. It was as though someone had died. I grieved at the same time as I was angry. Rather than pretend I wasn't feeling those things, as useless as they were, I just let them through. I was mad and sad and that was that. Luckily the feelings passed and I'm my usual cheerful self again. In fact, in the past two days there's been this subtle but pervasive feeling of joy. Perhaps because it is finally over. When living under a shadow for such a long time, one forgets what real sunlight feels like. There's a long hard road ahead. We have to make the house saleable which means painting four rooms and, once the house is ready, cleaning the outside of dust and cobwebs and then keeping it that way. I ceased to worry about the thousands of black house spiders which make their homes under the eaves. There are so many and they are so tenacious that almost as soon as they are removed they return. Richard has to clean out the shed, a mammoth, nay Herculean task. He's been collecting 'stuff' for twenty years in case something might come in handy. There is some concreting to do and some gardening but otherwise just maintenance stuff. I'll have to clean the feed and tack rooms and keep them dust and web free as well.

Then comes the balancing act of putting the house on the market at the same time as we start looking for a place of our own. I've searched for real estate from Tenterfield to Nambour, from Byron Bay to Nanango. I am confident we'll find the right place - then comes the move. Thirteen birds plus two others that must be caught to take with us. Felicity won't survive without supplementary feeding and as Suki is her mate he needs to come too. Moving aviaries and birds will be the most logistically difficult - but not impossible. But first things first and the first thing is to clean the ruddy bird verandah!

The Moroccan House

There is a house, a magnificent breath-taking house for sale near the coast. I've been looking at houses and properties for about two years because we don't know whether the quarry is in or out. It is before the Environmental and Planning Court but hasn't been heard yet. Because I don't want to live here if a quarry begins, with the accompanying traffic, noise and destruction, I've searched for another place to live. And I look at houses that are completely out of our price range. Why? Well, who knows, we might win the lottery. Stranger things have happened.

So, while R sleeps and the morning chores are finished I got online to check the weather (raining) and mail and there, there was this Moroccan inspired house near Lennox Head. Built on a hill (no danger of flooding or beach erosion) on a large block (large enough for the aviaries) and it simply took my breath away. My heart beat faster and I felt this lump in my chest. Oh, I could live in this house (offers over $2 million). It is mysterious and warm, exotic and comfortable, green and red and blue; green tropical foliage, red sandstone and blue ocean and pool.

What a good idea to move the cages. Tachimedes and Cornelius have gone into Corni's cage for breakfast but still want nothing to do with Tach's. I've taken the black sheet off the top of Tach's cage. It's never been a worry before but with the cage up so high it does look somewhat large and ominous looming over the rest of the verandah like some Twilight Zone alien. Have replaced it with a cream sheet which is light and airy and hopefully not so frightening to one tiny little cockatiel.

R is mowing the lawn. We take precautions before R mows as Dimitri has leapt from great heights because of fear. The padding around the tree perch extends out about 4'. Even Dimitri can't leap beyond the padding (I hope!). If he does leap he'll still scare himself but he shouldn't be injured. The other perches are laid down on the ground so that he can't climb them only to jump in panic. Otherwise I'd have to pad the entire verandah and that's just not logical. Couldn't clean it and I'd be doing bird laundry all the time.

Was quite chuffed this morning as Dimitri took the millet with less fuss and far more bravery. One day....

Went to the gym, bought groceries and and winning lotto ticket. How I wish. I know why I don't win. Not because of the odds against it. That's nothing. It's because I am torn between wanting material things and knowing in the scheme of things, ie reality, I don't need them and everything I need I already have. It's guilt. I have so much, why should I expect or ask for more. Where we live is a little piece of paradise. How dare I ask for frosting when I've got cake? Yet I do. There's another part of me that knows there is no want in the world. Having The Moroccan doesn't mean someone else does without. (It also has a studio over the garage, perfect for peace and quiet - painting, yoga and meditation - I love R to bits but it is difficult sometimes to have that little area of my own. He comes looking for me, just to touch base, not because he wants me to do something but...I don't know, he just comes and says hello, hovers a bit sometimes. I need a room of my own (Oh, Virginia how right you were!).