Getting used to life without television.  Make dinner, read, then draw before going to bed.  Realized how for years I've been reading books with the drone and distraction of the tv in the background.  Have read two books this week.  Unheard of for decades - but I used to read at least a book a week, sometimes more.  Because there is nothing fighting for my attention am getting more from the books.  Lovely,

For weeks I've been waging war within; trying to believe all will be well and banish the fear of not having enough money to live on.  Had a call from Heritage management about Richard's respite care.  The government decrees 9 weeks  of respite a year.  Heritage says no, they only allow two so I didn't want to sign the contract.  Not having those extra 7 weeks costs over $1300 plus I'm immediately thrust into paying $560 a week rather than the approximately $350 respite costs.  My rough calculations says before everyday living expenses I would have $38 a week to live from. 

Quaking in my boots.  Because I am not entitled to a pension for almost 2 years it would take almost all our savings to keep Richard in care.  So if there is an extra vet bill, a car repair, anything out of the ordinary - and there is always something out of the ordinary - after 2 years I would have nothing left to pay it with.

But went in to see the manager yesterday with my handwritten list of bullet points in a vain effort to convince her why I needed those extra 7 weeks.  To no avail.  She was obdurate, kindly so but firm.  But she was also sympathetic and advised how she would work with me.  Advised me once Richard becomes permanent the single pension which pays for both of us would help me convince Centrelink of the need for a living wage.  Am waiting for approval for Jobseeker which I applied for last week.  Need to find two days a week voluntary work which will help defray the weekly cost of Heritage.  Linda also advised I seek help from a financial planner at Centrelink.  I don't have trouble budgeting.  I can, save for food - fresh fruit and vegetables - live cheaply. 

The upshot I left her office feeling much better than when I walked in.

The universe does have my back.

Also illustrated how what I fear most can actually be a hidden gift.  The loss of fear.

I slept well.  Didn't wake up at 2am to worry.

One of the books I read was the Dalai Lama's Cat.  Lovely little book using a cat's perspective to convey some of the Buddhist precepts for living.  Caused me to dig out several books on Buddhism gathering dust in the bookcase - one of which is by the Dalai Lama.    Hmmm.

Richard met me near reception yesterday.  He waves at some residents now.  He is less in his room and more involved with the residents.  He even took part in a singalong, well attended anyway.  He looks terrible.  The psoriasis is back with a vengeance but he'd rather have the sweets than smooth skin.  So be it and he's not looking at himself so what does it matter.  Cam visited on Tuesday and David on Wednesday so it'd been a few days since I'd seen him.  Never heard a word from Cam on how it went.  Know how soft Cam is beneath the capable male exterior so suspect the visit was gut wrenching.  But at least he came to see him.  Wonder when he'll be back.  And if Anthony will ever come.

In the clear black star pricked night a tree crashed.  An explosion of sound.  We are surrounded by rainforest here.  This morning I see no fallen tree.  But it fell, even surrounded and supported by other trees.

Like me.  I may be surrounded and supported by others but when I fall I fall alone.

Are we all our own worst enemy?    My ungoverned and ungovernable mind creates misery where there is none.  The mind weevil of the day, sometimes the moment, burrows and chews and itches.  My 'reality; might be walking down a beautiful road with the last light silhouetting Mt. Warning while a boa of cloud trails off the peak.  But my perceived reality is the Worry of the Moment. 

So I'd glanced at the Miracle of the Moment (and we are continually surrounded  by miracles) yet cast it aside to dwell on what might happen, what had happened or what I might do or say during the possibly might could be perhaps future.

And then, when I'd left the Miracle and had turned for home, through a tunnel of overarching camphors with the wild dark ravine on one side, I'd realized what I'd lost.  I could have stopped.  I could have savoured the beauty.  I could have rested my weary soul on the sun scored flanks of the mountain.  Instead I returned to that small cramped room of worry. 

I felt like I'd slapped away the hand of God. 

Although I do not meditate it doesn't prevent me from making a concerted effort to train my mind.  I can choose, with practice, what to think.  And what not to.

Malala Yousafzai just graduated from Oxford with a Philosophy, Politics and Economy degree.  Age 11 she was shot in the head  by a Taliban coward (who has just escaped from prison) for daring to advocate for girls education. An eleven year old child who knew and spoke her truth.  It nearly killed her but it also freed her. 

Finished reading a tiny gem of a book,True Pleasures:  A Memoir of Women in Paris by Lucinda Holdforth.  Women of every age, of any age, fleeing to Paris to become themselves rather than be crafted by the society and age they lived in.  George Sand, Coco Chanel, Edith Wharton, Nancy Mitford,  Pamela Digby Churchill Leland Harriman, Madame Pompadour, Gertrude Stein, Colette, Empress Josephine, Madame du Barry.  These women managed to scrape away the societal layers of male expectation(and female collaboration) to find who and what they were.  Their lives became larger than life because of this.  Finding ones true nature or purpose, even if it is only to be a mistress to a king, or write books in an age when women didn't, or design clothes.  They didn't have to be famous to be larger than life. 

Do we make ourselves small by living to the dictates of others?  Would our light shine brighter if the layers of 'stuff' were removed? 

The second night without a television.  It is a sneaky addiction.  I feel the loss.  The droning voice of a newscaster or the tired reprisal of the endlessly repeated Hollywood plotlines are company.  But I turned on the radio.  Oh no, Faust the opera.   Put on Joni Mitchell instead (Taming the Tiger then Turbulent Indigo) and tried to 'do' art.   Worked on the large pencil drawing but found I was uncomfortable.  There is no room.  I have to slide into the chair and it's not at a comfortable height.  Ditched the drawing and brought over the smaller watercolour background to see if I could find anything in it.  Took photos of strangler figs on the Dallis Park walk.  Used them.  Made a start but couldn't settle.

Lying awake at 2am the answer is obvious.  Change the furniture.  Move the couch back where it was before we bought the behemoth recliner (which is going to Richard tomorrow), and put the art table, office chair and armchair where the couch is.  Lots more room - and room to try and find the right chair for the art table. 

Richard was sitting on his bed yesterday, slumped and lethargic.  Got him to move outside where the sun was finally shining and a bush turkey was busy scraping together his nest mound.  Rubbed creme on his face, the psoriasis has returned with a vengeance.  He would answer my questions or make a comment, usually having little or anything to do with the subject, while staring fixedly into the middle distance.  Unblinking.  Partway through the visit a nurses aide came to tell me I was not to sit outside as I might infect one of the residents who might be walking by.  So back to the clean well appointed but stuffy depressing room - only because it is four walls - for the remainder.  The only time he perked up was to walk me out to the lobby. 

He is going to the dining room for meals and has met some people although he can't remember their names.  The nurses are kind to him, although he complained of a little Japanese nurse, Noriko? who was always getting him to do stuff - like have a shave or a shower.  As the strangeness of the surroundings become more familiar he is retreating into himself.  Every day he's been there, and while he was at the hospital, he knew who I was.   Was that a part of him being hyper vigilant because of the strangeness of the surroundings?   And now the surroundings are no longer threatening in their strangeness will there come a time when he won't know me again?

The 90+ lady in the next room, whimpers and pleads when they bathe her.  She is bedridden.  I saw a glimpse of her as I left.  24 hours a day in a bed.  The tedium only broken by the needs of the body.  I hope she has a rich inner life.  If not, I'd rather be dead.

I touch him all the time, hold his hand, put my arm across his shoulders, kiss his head, stroke his arm.  When I leave I hug him and ask he put his arms around me to hug me back.   But it is not enough.  The thief continues to plunder.

My tv went on the blink Friday night.  I was watching some movie with Jack Nicholson, Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton.  There were a few just for (some hard earned) laughs of Nicholson's backside in a hospital gown.  It was a predictable rom com well below the talents of the the actors. 

Texted friends the next morning to see if their tvs also had 'check the cable' and 'weak signal' problems.  Nope, just me.  Got on the roof yesterday (took two attempts, allowed fear to whisper, 'what if you fall?) to check the aerial and cable.  Nothing obviously wrong.  There's a small tv on the wall in the kitchen experiencing the same problems so the trouble is not confined to one television. 

So after doing all I could reasonably (and cheaply!) do on my own I thought/realized it's a sign.  I want a new life and what better way to start than severing the umbilical addiction to television!  What did Stephen King call it?  The glass tit or something similar.  If I have to watch something I can use the computer or dig out one of numerous DVDs. 

For years after I came to Australia I didn't have a television, just a radio.  I read and painted, listened to music.  That's a good use of time and a stellar use of my remaining time.

No visit with Richard yesterday as I left making the appt too late so save for feeding the horses, I had no obligations.  Thought I'd go see the sea but it was dark, rainy and cold and the idea of a biting wind and salt spray wasn't attractive.  Rather I took Mikaela to Dallis Park.  She hasn't run free offlead for months.  I had my gum boots on after slopping through the mud to call the horses so was ready for the marshy areas.  The path runs parallel to the Tweed River.  One side the river, the other pandanus palms, strangler figs, looming black bean trees, elephant ears and ferns; a rainforest microcosm. 

As I walked this delicious feeling of freedom came over me.  No one knew I was there, I didn't have to be anywhere, I wasn't expected anywhere.  I didn't have to report to anyone, divulge my itinerary, explain, ask or argue.  I just went and stayed and left at a whim.

How lightly wears a whim!  Shackles I didn't know I had dropped away.  Yes, today appts again, things to do, places to be, people to see and it's all fine but even so, even so.....

The Tarot reading yesterday made for a peaceful day.  It was so accurate (save for the sentence about pregnancy and the assertion I will meet a new love 'soon') my belief  the Universe has got my back was reaffirmed.  "Calm that mind of yours" it said.   Yes, the hamster on a wheel that is my mind.  The hamster's tiny claws scratchig the metal wheel as it runs and runs and gets nowhere at 2am. 

A reminder just to put one foot in front of another and keep going.  There is no timekeeper, no judge except the quality of the outcome.  There was also the reference to my cantankerousness and rage.  Yes, I am quick to anger and prone to ***k it acts which care regretted later.  Have to remember to breathe.

And to forgive.  The boys.  So they haven't come.  They are fallible and frightened.  Because they have left a visit to their dad so long, it becomes even harder - and the longer they leave it the more difficult it is.  Growing exponentially with every postponement.

And I have done the same.  Many times.  Put off something difficult only to have it eventually loom so large the denial of the thing I must do is far worse than if I'd just done it in the first place.  Also, the shame and fear I haven't looked after Richard well enough, the times I was short with him, the times I was angry with him - like being angry at a kitten.  I am sorry for those moments.  For the love never wavered, just my maturity.

In a way, it has been a gift - having highlighted the worst aspects of my personality and the desire, because of my love for him, to do better.  And I did.  Far from perfect but I did do better.

Helen visited yesterday.  Richard glad to see her although he had one of those days when he seems unable to stop staring at a spot about 2 feet down and to the left of the person he is talking to.  He looked well and was nicely dressed.  Helen liked Heritage.  Am going to take him his bedside lamp to replace the Heritage one.  Has a warmer light and is a bit of home. 

Still working on replacing the toilet seat.  Third time lucky I thought.  The latest toilet seat is the right shape, is made for an enclosed pan, all systems go - but the plastic things which are to be inserted into the two holes to afix the seat are too big.  It's a caroma toilet, a well known popular brand.  How could they not fit.  So got the dremel and am trying to grind away the enamel.  Using up the ball on the end of the dremel so it's an interesting competition - which will succeed, the ball or the hole?

A Tarot Reading:

How you feel about yourself »

Judgement

You feel this is an end to an era or at least a certain phase of your life - you are taking stock and looking where you want to go from here.
This ending is not one for regret but for rejoicing. Soon you will enjoy the rewards for your past efforts.
As with any period of endings, many opportunities will present themselves and the choice that you make will have far-reaching implications that could change your life dramatically.

 What you want most right now »

The Empress

The cards suggest that at this time you desire comfort, security and happiness and may well need some emotional support and reassurance.
If you are considering having a baby the desire will be very strong at this time, or perhaps you are already pregnant and you have some concerns. If male, perhaps you are considering fatherhood with someone but have concerns.
Things will turn out fine, just know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care.

My  italics.

Your fears »

The Chariot

The word failure isn't in your vocabulary. You are worried things are more of a struggle than you expected, with more delays and frustrations.
Things aren't going according to plan at all - just chill out, calm that mind of yours and you'll find the strength to battle on until you succeed. This is a period of movement and change and conflicts ending in victory.

What is going for you »

Strength

Brave heart!
Your self-confidence and courageous spirit is unstoppable at the moment.
Be patient and compassionate, self-disciplined and strong and you will reap great rewards for your courage.

  What is going against you »

The Hermit

You are at risk of doing something hasty out of impatience and rage.
This is not a time for irrational and impulsive behaviour - don't be cantankerous (if closer to old than young!) or arrogant and resentful (if closer to young than old!) Try and remain calm and let the rage go. Take time to make a cool and collected decision.
The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions.

The likely outcome »

The Lovers

Love is coming into your life even if you really can't see where from at this time.
If you are on your own a new lover will soon enter your life.
If you are in an unhappy relationship you have a choice to make - go with your heart, take the risk. Greater happiness is ahead of you.

Thanks to the Powers That Be for this insightful and reassuring reading.