He died and I didn't know

I've been procrastinating writing this because I haven't absorbed the news myself yet.  My ex-husband (my twice ex as we married twice) died one day after his birthday on November 15, 2009.  He was just one day 54 years old. 

Richard's ex-wife has been unwell.  His boys have been down to Tasmania to see her.  There has been much concern about her health and the future.  In the midst of this I thought, why don't I Google Wayne and see if I can find any news of him.  What I found was an obituary notice. 

There are those times when one's very skin seems to stretch and thin and the blood and sinews scrape uncomfortably against the air.  That was one of those times.  The veil between reality and perceived reality ripped wide open.  Although I haven't brooded over him or even missed him he was still 'out there'.  I thought of him every year at least once - on his birthday.  On his birthday I silently saluted him, wished him well, was conscious of his being in the world, my one time lover, friend and husband.  And for 5 years he has been no more and I didn't know.

Part of me feels like crying but I can't.  I want to mourn but am unable.  Something's torn but time and distance and experience has dulled the pain to a dark dim ache.    He was married 27 years and had two girls.  Was he a grandfather?  He was so good with children and animals.  Part of the tribute to him regarded his love for animals; horses, dogs and cats, how he cared for and nurtured them.  In lieu of flowers people were asked to donate to an animal rescue organization.  The one photo I found of him he sat astride a dark horse on a pale leather western saddle.  He was big, too big (did overweight contribute to his death?).  I think he still had that funny little moustache he cultivated after we divorced the first time but the photo is too fuzzy to be sure.  His hair is grey and although his face is fleshy there are still traces of the young beautiful Wayne I once knew.

Why did he die so young?  He died in the hospital where he was born.  Had he been ill?  Was it sudden, an accident?  I have written to his sister to ask.  Whether she replies is another matter.  I am owed nothing by the family.  Still, I would like to know.  I have been thinking of little else since I found out.   I started to struggle against that but think it is better to let the thoughts run their course.  We were husband and wife for 7 years.  That counts for a little long distance grieving I guess.