Shhh

Epiphany of sorts.  I am distracting myself from my own life.  I distract myself with 'noise'; television, radio, computer, books, busy'ness.  Why am I afraid to be alone with myself?  I actually thought I liked my own company and smirked a little at those who needed the constant reassurance of company to feel safe, as though being alone was being exposed and vulnerable on a wind-raked mountain ledge.

Now I'm not so sure.  Humble pie time.  My unease isn't as obvious which is why it is perhaps more deleterious to mental/spiritual health.  It was easier to ignore.  I've started doing yoga without the radio, without even the CDs of birdsong.  My finger almost shakes when I press the OFF button.  It was always difficult to turn the radio off, just that little reluctance creeping out, but I decided not to notice.  Now I notice.

First thing in the morning after coming in from chores, before coffee, before anything else I turn on the radio and computer.  The music is classical and although most of it is beautiful it still fills the silence with sound, the computer with fingers of global information.  I am connected!  Except of course it's an illusion.

I have been lonely for my own kind.  Not sure what my kind is except I haven't found them here.  Another reason why I am anxious to move.  Suspect green tree hugging animal loving art making book loving yoga doing vegan eating spiritual questing meditative wannabee types will be more common in the Tweed.  

Have no illusions that I'm good friend material.  If I was I'd have more friends.  I'm too judgmental in that what interests most people doesn't interest me.  Moreover, not only doesn't interest but bores me.  And I get impatient because people seem content with gossip and shopping and the suburban life.  That's quite funny as I find the minutiae of living fascinating.  I can bore the socks off people talking about the lives of local birds.  Insects interest me, the patterns of clouds, the weather, the ever changing scenery, the sounds which surround.    I try and be interested in others, to not talk about myself all the time and I think I succeed but then I get ornery because it seems they always talk about themselves. 

Have a friend who I spent a great deal of time being supportive to when they went through a bad patch.  Out of the bad patch, if I said anything about what was going on in my life, their eyes would glaze over.  I bored them.  Then I thought why am I working so hard at something that should come easily.  The people who have been my friends, even if our paths separated us after a time, were easy to be with.   The energy flowed back and forth without impediment.

So I'm going to quit beating myself up because I'm a loner.  I share this house with my best friend and therefore I am luckier than most.  And I'm going to embrace the silence as perhaps silence will unveil the closest friend I'll ever have.  Me.