Re-reading Grace Speare's Everything Talks to Me after mentioning it to a friend. For some reason it seemed time to visit this book again. I hadn't realized that I've been in the doldrums. Coasting. To help combat this I've returned, somewhat sporadically, to journaling. I needed a place to 'talk' without having to care whether it read well or not. Also, there's something quite blissfully basic about grasping a pen and making marks on a page. I'd forgotten how satisfying it is.
Back to Grace Speare's book. Ah, she's a good one for helping me to re-focus. One of the phrases that leaped out was 'accepting with enthusiasm'. There is often this dichotomy with me; one of accepting all that is knowing everything is as it should be or trying, with positive thinking or visualization or just plain wishing, to make things happen. In the first instance it is plain gratitude without desire. Great in theory but I can't sustain it. I want change. I want improvement. I want something else.
And there's the crux: wanting.
In the second instance. I think positively of the present (gratitude) while visualizing a different future (moving house for instance). I can juggle this a bit better. Every day I can and do appreciate the beauty of this place yet I visualize moving to a place near the sea. Another example is being grateful for the health and strength of my body now while going to the gym to increase strength and change my physique for the future.
I know I've written about this before and I'm no closer to having an answer, only varying degrees of leaning one way or another depending upon what is needed at the moment.
Like "Acceptance with enthusiasm". It's kind of an excited twinkle in the eye that looks with bubbling joy at the present.
I feel as though I've got my mojo back. Another thing that helps is not taking on board other people's 'stuff'. The world will continue to do what the world will do without me getting caught up in the cruelty, stupidity and blindness of it all. I know we are all connected, that the Dallas shootings, for instance, somehow affect me directly but if I succumb to the negativity, does that help? Surely there is a way to feel for all those involved yet at the same time try see it with love and compassion, even the shooter whose mind must have been a horrible maelstrom of hate and negativity.
Admittedly I am not strong enough to cope with wave after negative wave. I've unsubscribed from many animal welfare sites and I avoid looking at graphic images or reading graphic accounts of horror. I know The Horror exists. That's enough. I know we need more love and I think we need more beauty. And I'm sure we need more laughter. Lots more laughter.
While being connected and part of All That Is, my tiny little mind can't grasp the enormity of it. What I can do is keep my own house in order. That's hard enough. Learning to live in changed circumstances and stay cheerful, optimistic, patient and kind is a big challenge for this selfish, impatient and too often spiteful person. It's a big challenge to my particular weaknesses and one I suspect I'll be working on until my last breath.
Yet it's not all guilt and failings and railing against present reality. I decided to retire from riding a couple of weeks ago. Had the farrier pull Balthazar's shoes. After a spell Balthazar needs to be ridden consistently, day after day, to help him get over separation anxiety. I just couldn't manage it. Consequently every ride was a challenge and definitely not fun for either of us. Balthazar turns 18 next month. I've been riding more or less consistently for 40+ years. For the past 5 I've ridden alone. I've no desire to compete so have no goals except to enjoy the bush by riding through it. As that seemed out of reach, I retired both of us.
As soon as I made that decision, I felt better. Had no idea I carried this burden of guilt because I wasn't being fair to Balthazar by getting him through the Separation Anxiety phase. Suddenly too, there is more time. And I'm not so tired either.
If I'd been listening, to myself as well as Balthazar, I'd have come to this decision sooner. Every day is different. Everything talking to me may as well be speaking Urdu if I'm not listening.
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