Acceptance with Enthusiasm, Thank You Grace Speare

Re-reading Grace Speare's Everything Talks to Me after mentioning it to a friend.  For some reason it seemed time to visit this book again.  I hadn't realized that I've been in the doldrums.  Coasting.  To help combat this I've returned, somewhat sporadically, to journaling.  I needed a place to 'talk' without having to care whether it read well or not.  Also, there's something quite blissfully basic about grasping a pen and making marks on a page.  I'd forgotten how satisfying it is.

Back to Grace Speare's book.  Ah, she's a good one for helping me to re-focus.  One of the phrases that leaped out was  'accepting with enthusiasm'.  There is often this dichotomy with me; one of accepting all that is knowing everything is as it should be or trying, with positive thinking or visualization or just plain wishing, to make things happen.  In the first instance it is plain gratitude without desire.  Great in theory but I can't sustain it.  I want change.  I want improvement.  I want something else.
And there's the crux:  wanting.

In the second instance.  I think positively of the present (gratitude) while visualizing a different future (moving house for instance).  I can juggle this a bit better.  Every day I can and do appreciate the beauty of this place yet I visualize moving to a place near the sea.  Another example is being grateful for the health and strength of my body now while going to the gym to increase strength and change my physique for the future.

I know I've written about this before and I'm no closer to having an answer, only varying degrees of leaning one way or another depending upon what is needed at the moment.  

Like "Acceptance with enthusiasm".   It's kind of an excited twinkle in the eye that looks with bubbling joy at the present. 

I feel as though I've got my mojo back.  Another thing that helps is not taking on board other people's 'stuff'.  The world will continue to do what the world will do without me getting caught up in the cruelty, stupidity and blindness of it all.  I know we are all connected, that the Dallas shootings, for instance, somehow affect me directly but if I succumb to the negativity, does that help?  Surely there is a way to feel for all those involved yet at the same time try see it with love and compassion, even the shooter whose mind must have been a horrible maelstrom of hate and negativity.

Admittedly I am not strong enough to cope with wave after negative wave.  I've unsubscribed from many animal welfare sites and I avoid looking at graphic images or reading graphic accounts of horror.  I know The Horror exists.  That's enough.  I know we need more love and I think we need more beauty.  And I'm sure we need more laughter.  Lots more laughter. 

While being connected and part of All That Is, my tiny little mind can't grasp the enormity of it.  What I can do is keep my own house in order.  That's hard enough.  Learning to live in changed circumstances and stay cheerful, optimistic, patient and kind is a big challenge for this selfish, impatient and too often spiteful person.  It's a big challenge to my particular weaknesses and one I suspect I'll be working on until my last breath. 

Yet it's not all guilt and failings and railing against present reality.  I decided to retire from riding a couple of weeks ago.  Had the farrier pull Balthazar's shoes.  After a spell Balthazar needs to be ridden consistently, day after day, to help him get over separation anxiety.  I just couldn't manage it.  Consequently every ride was a challenge and definitely not fun for either of us.  Balthazar turns 18 next month.  I've been riding more or less consistently for 40+ years.  For the past 5 I've ridden alone.  I've no desire to compete so have no goals except to enjoy the bush by riding through it.  As that seemed out of reach, I retired both of us.

As soon as I made that decision, I felt better.  Had no idea I carried this burden of guilt because I wasn't being fair to Balthazar by getting him through the Separation Anxiety phase.  Suddenly too, there is more time.  And I'm not so tired either.

If I'd been listening, to myself as well as Balthazar, I'd have come to this decision sooner.  Every day is different.  Everything talking to me may as well be speaking Urdu if I'm not listening. 

To Be or Not to Be Happy

R has gone into town to do a few errands.  He will also stop in and see a friend of his who returned from the coast recently.  R won't be home until well after lunchtime which means I have a few free hours.  Did the old roll the die (The Dice Man, Luke Rhinehart) to see what I'm to do. (As a side note, read reviews of the Dice Man.  Polarizing.  No one kind of likes it or kind of dislikes it.  They either love it or hate it.  No middle ground.)  Anyway, back to me -  I don't quite feel like doing yoga, although it's on the list, along with icky chores like grubbing lantana and digging out the ever numerous khaki weeds.  But I was lucky.  I rolled 'Blog'.

Don't often blog, usually because blogging, at least for me, requires solitude.  R, bless him, usually wanders in with a 'whatcha doin'?' at least once.  I don't write things that he can't read.    Nevertheless, the words don't flow if someone if peering over my shoulder.  Even if they aren't.  It's his presence that puts me off.   Not because it's him.  Anyone in this room, save for a cat or 3, would throttle the flow.  If there is a flow. 

Blogging or keeping a journal is something I should do on a daily basis.  For my own mental health.  "We all skate so close to that line and so far from satisfaction." (Joni Mitchell, Song for Sharon, Hejira).  I'm usually pretty adept at skating far away from that line and being satisfied.  I make a practice of gratitude and seeing beauty.  I look for it.  Living well means working at it.  Being happy doesn't just happen, one has to find the happiness in spite of appearances.  For the world is apparently a cruel and unhappy place.  Seriously cruel.  And senseless.  I think there's hope and then read of 148 students being massacred in Kenya because they weren't Moslem.  And the same mindset? 'God hates Gays' iced onto a cake, except the baker refused to do so.  Humans must have a stupid gene encoded into our DNA, one that compels us to knowingly self destruct, not only self-destruct but have enough despair and self-loathing to take everyone down with us.  In view of what scrolls across my retina every day, it is hard to remain hopeful.  And happy.  Is the way to preserve happiness possible only by ignorance?  Don't watch the news, don't read the news, love my husband, ride my horse, pet the cats, listen to the birds, cook fine meals, create drawings, read nice books.  Is that how one keeps hold of happiness? 

Believing in the crap of evil, does that create more?  I'm not of the mindset of revenge.  History proves revenge just perpetuates violence.  But I do get frustrated with us.  We seem to be an experiment gone wrong.  There are so many lovely normal people who just want to be here, want to love others and be loved in return.  Unfortunately, they get subsumed by the crazy people and become victims.  Like the refugees in Yemen, trapped between two murderous ideologies which will sacrifice them without a qualm. 

Yesterday, as Balthazar grazed on the sweet grass in Pedersens laneway (at ride finish, I dismount, loosen girth and walk him home, allowing him to graze on the way), I looked up.  A fig tree was brilliantly lit against the  sky.  The grey white bark and the dark green leaves were so sharply etched it looked like a  two dimensional Japanese woodcut.  Just an idle glance and breath taking beauty right there for the looking.  For free.  All around.  Peace and happiness.  One has to make a choice.  To brush away all the dross and believe in Beauty and Truth and Happiness.  Despite appearances to the contrary.

Resolving the New Year Resolution

I never make New Years Resolutions.  Can't think of one I've made so can't think of one I've kept.  But I'm 59 now and suppose it's not too late to try.  If nothing else making a resolution will help in mindfulness, that small itch of discomfort when I'm about to ignore it.

1.  I make more of an effort and fewer excuses about meditating.  It has been all too easy in the past to make no effort to meditate if that 15 minutes doesn't come immediately after completing yoga.  That will no longer do.  Meditation practice, even my sporadic attempts, makes a difference in ways I wouldn't have imagined.  For instance; usually I am quite (but quietly) resentful about the big family xmas do.  This year I just flowed with it.  I didn't have to try and overcome antipathy, it just happened.  I've noticed that about a few things.  It's a small change, this flowing with life, but significant, like driving on a road without having to brake for self-created speed bumps.

 2.  I don't do seconds.  Second helpings, that is.  I am 5'4" and weigh 56 kg.  Usually weigh 55 but it's crept up and stayed there.  Have to get it under control.  The banning of second helpings is one step.  Portion control another.  It's as though I don't feel full unless I am really FULL, which is not conducive to weight loss or even weight maintenance.  It's a mind thing.  If I can successfully quit smoking I can come to grips with this. 

3.  And finally, I will write more.  Was going to say write more honestly but how can I when writing the unvarnished truth has the power to hurt others.  Can't do it. 

That's it.  Happy New Year.