Is the House Sold or Is it Not

Waiting to see if we've sold the house.  A woman viewed it, loved it.  I liked her, felt the house would fit her and vice versa.  Wanted to see her in it rather than that hard-edged woman we'd had before who was fine about her dogs 'sorting out the bandicoots' - but that's another story.  Anyway, this woman; whippet owner, Egyptian Mau cat owner, said up front she couldn't afford the $399,000.  Told the realtor she'd make an offer of $360,000, which after toting up the numbers, we accepted, just to see the house 'go to a good home' so to speak.

Blow me down, she reneged.  Said all she could give us was $350,000.  We said no even though (despite her saying previously she had to check with her bank) that the $350,000 was a 'cash' buy.  Then today, she offered $355,000.  Said no.  Finally came up with $357,500.  Said no.  Why can't people say what they mean and mean what they say?  We dropped $39,000 to meet her.  In response, she drops another $10,000!  Told D last time he rang to tell her 'good luck with her house hunting.'  He rang back immediately after we'd hung up to ask would I still accept $360,000 or was I just pissed off and done with her?  Yes, I would  accept but must say I've got a bad taste in my mouth.  The gloss has rubbed off and now I wish I'd stuck to my guns about price.  If her eyes were bigger than her stomach, that's not my problem.  The price is clearly marked on all the ads.  It's not a secret.

Anyway, waiting for that final call.  Think she'll have her panties in a twist now and won't come up with the extra cash. 

Acceptance with Enthusiasm, Thank You Grace Speare

Re-reading Grace Speare's Everything Talks to Me after mentioning it to a friend.  For some reason it seemed time to visit this book again.  I hadn't realized that I've been in the doldrums.  Coasting.  To help combat this I've returned, somewhat sporadically, to journaling.  I needed a place to 'talk' without having to care whether it read well or not.  Also, there's something quite blissfully basic about grasping a pen and making marks on a page.  I'd forgotten how satisfying it is.

Back to Grace Speare's book.  Ah, she's a good one for helping me to re-focus.  One of the phrases that leaped out was  'accepting with enthusiasm'.  There is often this dichotomy with me; one of accepting all that is knowing everything is as it should be or trying, with positive thinking or visualization or just plain wishing, to make things happen.  In the first instance it is plain gratitude without desire.  Great in theory but I can't sustain it.  I want change.  I want improvement.  I want something else.
And there's the crux:  wanting.

In the second instance.  I think positively of the present (gratitude) while visualizing a different future (moving house for instance).  I can juggle this a bit better.  Every day I can and do appreciate the beauty of this place yet I visualize moving to a place near the sea.  Another example is being grateful for the health and strength of my body now while going to the gym to increase strength and change my physique for the future.

I know I've written about this before and I'm no closer to having an answer, only varying degrees of leaning one way or another depending upon what is needed at the moment.  

Like "Acceptance with enthusiasm".   It's kind of an excited twinkle in the eye that looks with bubbling joy at the present. 

I feel as though I've got my mojo back.  Another thing that helps is not taking on board other people's 'stuff'.  The world will continue to do what the world will do without me getting caught up in the cruelty, stupidity and blindness of it all.  I know we are all connected, that the Dallas shootings, for instance, somehow affect me directly but if I succumb to the negativity, does that help?  Surely there is a way to feel for all those involved yet at the same time try see it with love and compassion, even the shooter whose mind must have been a horrible maelstrom of hate and negativity.

Admittedly I am not strong enough to cope with wave after negative wave.  I've unsubscribed from many animal welfare sites and I avoid looking at graphic images or reading graphic accounts of horror.  I know The Horror exists.  That's enough.  I know we need more love and I think we need more beauty.  And I'm sure we need more laughter.  Lots more laughter. 

While being connected and part of All That Is, my tiny little mind can't grasp the enormity of it.  What I can do is keep my own house in order.  That's hard enough.  Learning to live in changed circumstances and stay cheerful, optimistic, patient and kind is a big challenge for this selfish, impatient and too often spiteful person.  It's a big challenge to my particular weaknesses and one I suspect I'll be working on until my last breath. 

Yet it's not all guilt and failings and railing against present reality.  I decided to retire from riding a couple of weeks ago.  Had the farrier pull Balthazar's shoes.  After a spell Balthazar needs to be ridden consistently, day after day, to help him get over separation anxiety.  I just couldn't manage it.  Consequently every ride was a challenge and definitely not fun for either of us.  Balthazar turns 18 next month.  I've been riding more or less consistently for 40+ years.  For the past 5 I've ridden alone.  I've no desire to compete so have no goals except to enjoy the bush by riding through it.  As that seemed out of reach, I retired both of us.

As soon as I made that decision, I felt better.  Had no idea I carried this burden of guilt because I wasn't being fair to Balthazar by getting him through the Separation Anxiety phase.  Suddenly too, there is more time.  And I'm not so tired either.

If I'd been listening, to myself as well as Balthazar, I'd have come to this decision sooner.  Every day is different.  Everything talking to me may as well be speaking Urdu if I'm not listening. 

America Yawns, Starts to Wake Up

I'm starting to feel proud to be an American again.  Today the Democrats are staging a sit-in in the House to protest the lack of action concerning the accessibility of guns.  To most of the world it seems a no brainer.  Too many guns available to people who should not be allowed access to them.  But in the name of the 2nd amendment, everyone, whether they are on a no fly list or not, should be allowed a gun.

But

The sleeping giant is waking up.  Hypnotized too long by a combination of inertia, apathy and fear, the powers that be in Washington lay in thrall to the  Right to Bear Arms cult, promulgated by the NRA to be as sacred as the Ten Commandments.  But the 2nd amendment says more than the 'right to bear arms'.  It starts with the words, a well-regulated militia.  Not a free for all militia.

 It also states:  The fifth and last auxiliary right of the subject...is that of having arms for their defence, suitable to their condition and degree, and such as are allowed by law. 
  
Suitable to their condition and degree.  So a person on a terrorist watch or no fly list is suitable?  I think not.  I may not be the brightest LED light in the room but I feel pretty confident in saying a would be terrorist is not suitable gun ownership material.

I watched some of the live coverage from the House.  It was wonderful.  I don't know who was speaking, don't know what time of day or night it was, don't know the names of the gun victims whose photos were held up by other sit-in sittees were, but I do know, rather than cringing and feeling ashamed to call myself a Yank, I was proud.

It is a small step the Democrats are taking but they are taking that first step - and they ain't sleep-walking!

The Drumstick

Taking 15 minutes to start this blog.  Of late I always seem to be doing something else.  In 15 minutes we have to take the dogs for a walk.  Otherwise, on this really miserable cloudy, cold and  windy day (with the odd stinging rain added just to illustrate how truly awful the day is), we run out of daylight.  No one likes plunging about in the mud (yes, we've had rain) in the dark.  Especially me.

It's not as though I've not thought about posting.  I've had blog soliloquies trailing words through my head.  One began with the sight of a discarded drum stick lying on the sidewalk outside the gym.  I was on the cross trainer.   A nice place to think, anything to avoid the pain of the 30 seconds of going flat out torture that are endured in the hopes of getting fit.  So I stared at the drum stick and the more I stared at it the sadder it looked.

It probably came from the local Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Is there any good-sized town anywhere in the world that is KFC free?  And that drumstick.  Symbol of a short miserable life and the unremarked death of a living creature, whose remains, after being stripped of flesh, were tossed onto the sidewalk.  

Not many people are lucky enough or interested enough to get to know a chicken.  A chicken is a stupid animal, yes?  Without intelligence, feeling, emotion or sensitivity.   It eats, shits, squawks out some eggs, if it is lucky to live that long,  and dies without a murmur.  It is merely a commodity, created only to give it's life to us.

But of course that is the easy attitude.  Reality is different.   We indulge in species-ism.  Humans are at the top of the species pyramid and every other creature was created to serve us either with their toil or with their lives.  Or both. That is their fate.  That is their obligation because they were not born human.  And that ultimate sacrifice is our due.  No matter how deserving or undeserving we might be.  The most craven and despicable among us are Gods compared to a mere chicken.

Bloody awful it is too.

There is a video of a chicken being hugged by a young boy http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/little-boy-hugs-chicken_n_5173773.html?section=australia.  The chicken not only initiates the hug but stretches her head along his shoulder while he strokes her back.  The chicken is happy and, it's so apparent, loved and loving.  So too the boy.  This white chicken, wrapped in the arms of her boy friend, is not a commodity.

The discarded drumstick was a sad, tragic reminder of what we miss by refusing to see what miracles are in front of us if we will only open our eyes.  It still makes me sad when I think of it.  Sad?  It breaks my heart - so I will end this now before I cry again for crying will not bring that chicken back.  But at least I can salute her.  And apologize for the ignorance and callousness of the human race.

Edgar and the Mice

We have had to start setting mouse traps.  Wintertime always sees a population boom.  I wouldn't mind as I actually like mice but they do tunnel into the aviaries making nice snake sized holes for nice snakes to come in and feast on nice budgerigars.  Yesterday we had 3 mice in two traps.  Think our mouse population is healthy.  Anyway, thought these freshly dead mice would make a nice meal for Edgar.  And oh, he was excited by the prospect of Mouse Tartare! 

Oh, he crunched those little mouse skulls.  He pulled at their little mouse feet.  He carried them here.  He carried them there.  He turned them over and turned them back again.  He picked them up and put them down.  He flew them into the trees and flew them back down again.  He checked to see if they would fit between two rocks.  He checked to see if they fit in the rubber matting (they did).  He held them proudly in his beak while turning to look beguilingly over his shoulder at me.

He did everything but eat them.

Finally, bored, he stuffed them back into the rocks and came over to see what other tidbits I had for him to eat. 

While waiting for me to unwrap the meat he snapped ferociously at a gnat.  It was so small I don't know if he killed it or not.

After he'd eaten I gathered the moist rumpled bodies of the mice and carried them into the paddock.  Another game!  Edgar came too.  I put the mice down and left.  He can stuff them into mouse-sized holes away from the house because if I don't find where he puts them (if he puts them near the house) they are going to stink in a few days.

Another morning, another mouse.  I called him and gave him the mouse in the paddock. 

He's also getting a small dog bone two or 3 times a week.  More excitement.  He pins it down with his toenails and pulls the meat with his beak.  He does it very well.  No doubt after having much practice on the clothes pegs.  Am now drying the clothes on the verandah.  Thank you, Edgar.

The Passing of Rev. Daniel Berrigan

Reverend Daniel Berrigan has died.  His life makes cowards of us all.  When he came to prominence, burning draft cards with his brother, Philip in Cantonville Ohio, it barely made a blip on my teenage radar.  I was 13.  But having just read about him in conjunction with Dorothy Day and Thomas Merton in An American Pilgrimage, I can't say there is renewed interest but there is interest.

He spent his life in writing books, poetry and activism.  He said during his trial in Philadelphia for destroying government property after he and six others took hammers to the (unarmed) nosecones of nuclear missiles:  "The only message I have to the world is: We are not allowed to kill innocent people. We are not allowed to be complicit in murder. We are not allowed to be silent while preparations for mass murder proceed in our name, with our money, secretly...It’s terrible for me to live in a time where I have nothing to say to human beings except, “Stop killing.” There are other beautiful things that I would love to be saying to people. There are other projects I could be very helpful at. And I can’t do them. I cannot. Because everything is endangered. Everything is up for grabs. Ours is a kind of primitive situation, even though we would call ourselves sophisticated. Our plight is very primitive from a Christian point of view. We are back where we started. Thou shalt not kill; we are not allowed to kill. Everything today comes down to that — everything."   Italics mine.

Those who do not know their history are doomed to repeat it - or words to that effect.  Maybe humans just haven't been human long enough to evolve past their reptilian hindbrain.  But that statement is a sham for we have free will, we can and do learn from our mistakes, we are capable of creating the most sublime beauty, of deliberate selflessness.  We can laugh at ourselves, we have a sense of humour, we experience gratitude..  We experience awe.  I'm certain other creatures have a sense of humour, can love, can even create despite their lack of opposable thumbs, but is any creature capable of awe?   Rather than repeating our doleful violent murderous history, why do we not replicate situations where we are likely to feel awe or, as Jung described, that 'oceanic feeling'? 

Finished reading Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky.  She was a Russian half-Jew whose family escaped nearly penniless from the socialist revolution in Russia and resettled in France.  She was a writer and Suite Francaise is the first 2 of 3 books she had planned to write describing the French experience through the eyes of several families under Nazi occupation.  Unfortunately she was gassed at Auschwitz before she could complete them,  She was a well known writer.  Her husband, her publisher and others tried in vain to rescue her, even just to contact her, to send her some food and blankets not knowing even as they tried she was already dead.  She had a brief respite at Auschwitz (while she was part of a slave labour force?) before she died.  Her husband was picked up, transported to Auschwitz and gassed straight away. 

When her voice came through S. F. so clearly it was difficult to read the appendices at the end.  In fact, I couldn't finish them.  When I watch the evening news and hear 27 people were killed in a bomb attack in Afghanistan I feel a frisson of regret but then wonder how I'm going to prepare that eggplant we're having for dinner.  Rev. Daniel Berrigan never let go that regret over innocent deaths.  I, a woman sitting safely at a desk where I sign petitions and write politicians, well fed in my middle class WASP-ish existence, salute him.

The Stand Up Comedy of Trump and the Panama Papers

The world sure is a funny event.  Trump is so outlandish (punish women who have had abortions!  Even the Pro-Lifers take offense) that there is nothing for it but to laugh.  Genuinely laugh.  The absurdity that is Trump is funny, especially as he takes himself so seriously.  While he takes himself so seriously he doesn't take the electorate seriously at all, except for its use as a vehicle with which to make his fondest dream come true.  President Donald Trump.  The Donald with The Hair in the White House.   I feel a guffaw coming on. 

I believe Trump is disdainful of 'the people', that he thinks they are stupid precisely because they fall for his schtick.  And that's funny.   Really funny.  How it will play out is anyone's guess but I can guarantee it will be hilarious.  For all the wrong reasons.

And then, thank God! there are the Panama Papers.  Here is a divine opportunity to take corruption seriously, to shine a light on it and to do something about it.  All those hard-working investigative journalists who have been dredging through thousands of documents, following leads, deciphering what is supposed to be indecipherable.  We owe them the debt of doing something about those who never seem to have enough money so must corruptly go about their business of hiding it and making more of it while leaving a trail of chaos and instability, poverty and impoverishment in their wake.