Can't settle to anything.  Should be writing, practicing guitar, doing yoga - and I will ---- perhaps buzzing too much from listening to Allman Brother's Jessica.  Should pull that song out and play it whenever I'm feeling down.  Don't think depression and that song can co-exist in the same cranium.  It is the most upbeat joyful instrumental.  Now listening to a guitar duet of Debussy's Arabesque #1.  Beautiful and joyful in an entirely different way. 

But I'm feeling pretty good anyway.  We've had 5 inches (131mm) of rain in 24 hours.  It may not revive the rainforest trees already dead from the prolonged drought but it will certainly save many others.

The fires are still burning in southern NSW and Victoria.    I wrote to my cousin on January 5 about them, this after the NYEve fires:

They are in the south of the state, no fires near us, but a thin smoke haze has returned.  The fires are so bad....cataclysmic, unprecedented, Armageddon...pick a word! - the haze has reached New Zealand.  The amount of land burnt is almost the size of West Virginia.

So we are okay - only 2 more months of fire season to go!  - but of course we aren't.  It must be akin to the helplessness those caught up in war feel.    I alternate between swearing at the government and weeping for the half a billion animals that have died - and the many more that will die from their injuries and starvation.  Yes, I am sorry people have died - but they had a choice.  They could leave or stay and try and protect their property.  Almost all those who lost their lives were trying to save their property.  One guy had a heart attack helping a mate.   Sad but still a choice.  The animals don't have that luxury.  We have inflicted this  upon them.  All because we are wedded to coal and gas, because we are selfish, greedy and apathetic.   I'm sick with digust.  I'm not sleeping - and it's not just me.  Everyone I talk to knows someone who lives down there, who's been affected by this.  They do the same as I, swear and weep, lie awake at night grieving.  Have given $$ to animal welfare organizations and will give more but am so helpless.

There might be one good thing coming from this.  We have been body slammed into the effects of climate change.  Scientists predicted this 20 years ago.  I remember!  Hotter, drier with more and bigger bushfires.  Well, they were right.  And our rep, Angus Taylor, at COG25 in Spain tried to get other nations to agree to fiddle the books so we could 'carry over credits' to reach our 'targets'.  It's tragic.  And our Prime Minister famously carried a lump of coal into parliament (when he was a parliamentarian) and asked what everyone was so afraid of.

We've got exactly what we deserved - a ex-media boffin who swans off to Hawaii while Australia burns.

So sorry about the rant.  But must admit it felt good to type this out (hitting the keyboard really hard!) <g>

Like having a good cry, I guess.  Exhausting but necessary. 

Didn't really want to write of it again.  We get used to anything over time.  I can't maintain righteous indignation, rage and grief indefinitely.  The small things insinuate themselves and eventually take precedence:  Richard hallucinating about a talking honey bucket, forgetting where his shaving kit is kept, being unable to open doors on his own - the small but relentless deterioration of a mind.  And me having to step up to the mark.  I shower him every day now.  We've got the routine down pat so it's okay.  Communication grows more difficult.  I prattle on about things and know he doesn't get most of what I say - suppose talking as though he does is part of staying sane.  He loses more words, tries to tell me things and forgets what he was going to say.  But it's okay.  It has to be.  There is no alternative.  Just trying to live up to the mark, being good to him and myself.


And still being grateful for my fortunate life.  And I am.