Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Post 8 of 92

4:42pm.  Don't complain, don't explain.  Or some such.  I am not having such a good day, despite my overwhelming good fortune in health, home and hearth.  Perhaps just being continually tired doesn't help.  The day started well; up before dawn to a sky full of sailing ships and a fresh breeze.  R got up so I suggested a quick walk with Mikaela to enjoy the beauty.  And one remark by R, one myopic petty remark and the day soured.

And that's my fault.  The weakness in allowing others to determine what kind of day I have.  I deserve to not have a good day.  For the day just deteriorated to where we actually argued, something we rarely do - not really argued, just made it apparent we didn't like each other much.  And he can't help what has happened to him and how it affects our relationship - that I get lonely for a relationship that extends beyond the banal.

But I'm complaining and explaining so I'll end it here. 

4:46pm

Monday, October 30, 2017

Post 7 of 92.

4:21.  Little sleep.  Too much caffeine.  High humidity and heat.  Got the shakes.  Got deep circles under my eyes.  Mikaela asked to go outside at 2am.  Not a problem.  I was up anyway.  Then had the flashes  through one's eyelids like xrays followed by rolling thunder.  Got up and unplugged the computer and phone.  Waited for the storm that never came.  It edged closer and closer and then retreated.  Thought my counting was off (counting the seconds between flashes and thunder). 

Never had that cool change which comes after the storm.  A hot and sticky night, what remained of it.  Have the air conditioning on now.  A/C in two of the three pods.  Feel somewhat guilty using it after toughing it out for so many years.  And what I suspected is true, with the A/C on I am reluctant to go out and do chores.  Still have to do the dog poop run. 

And on that s***** note....4:28pm


Saturday, October 28, 2017

Day 6 of 92

9:15pm.  All it takes is one mosquito lurking under the desk.  I've been bitten about 3 times and the bites itch like hell.  Was going to let this go today as it was another hugely busy day but thought, Sloth is  which Circle of Dante's Hell?  So between scratching bites and inhaling the pong that is my unwashed body at this late hour, I am getting my 2 minutes in.

In short:  Took Mikaela to the Uki Farmer's Market where everybody made a huge fuss of her, did heaps of laundry and cleaned, took Mikaela to the dog beach at Pottsville - miles and miles of practically empty completely undeveloped white sand beach....only in Australia.  She so wanted to have a Really Big Zoomie on the beach.  She leapt straight up in the air, tried to run and hit the end of the lead.  But of course we can't let her off yet.  One day....  Came home washed the beautiful new used Skoda Yeti (Gus) and washed Mikaela oo.

9:21pm.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Day 5 of 92

2:43pm  Just got the computer back from the computer hospital where it has, happily, been fixed.  Also explains why I have missed blogging for a few days.

But the big news is we have adopted a rescue Greyhound, Mikaela (previously known as April).  In about 16 minutes she will have been with us for 24 hours.  She is a 4 year old white chested but mostly black girl who raced 6 times, came third once, and didn't like to chase.  Thankfully as she is going pretty well with the cats.  She has shown interest in playing with them but they aren't confident with her yet.

She is a dream girl;  affectionate, intelligent, housebroken, polite, walks well on the lead and for having had her entire life disrupted twice in 3 months, handling it quite well.  We took her to M'bah, did some errands...she wasn't quite sure about the trip.  Kept going to South Tweed and Pet Barn to buy her another bed.  By that time she was sad, thinking perhaps life was going to throw her another curve ball.

When we got home and opened the car door, her tail was whipping from side to side and she'd grown about half a foot. 

One of the most impressive things about her is how quickly she learns.  We have a large easy chair in the bedroom that I covered with a throw.  It was to be her bed.  She thought our bed could be her bed too.  I pushed her off once, took her around to the chair once, put her on it and told her to stay.  She didn't but when the lights went out she jumped into the chair and spent the night there.

Good Dog!

2:50pm

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Day 4 of 92

3:18.  So much easier not to have to come up with a title. 

The car seat dog cover arrived today.  Installed it and thought, getting a dog will be somewhat like having a baby (not that I'D know!), our lives will never be the same.  We've bought a car to accommodate The Dog.  We've yet to ditch the truck and buy something which will have room for the dog and hay that won't be exposed to rain.  I'm barracking for a VW Caddy - a small delivery van with commodious storage for horse feed and dog.  Not there yet in convincing R.  Think he needs a few more weeks of wrapping tarps around horse feed and removing same, leaden and awkward with rain - or, better yet, the arrival of the greyhound who watches us with sad brown eyes while we drive off to feed the horses. 

Sat on the deck the other night watching the rain and mist transform the rainforest into something mysterious and otherworldly.  Even the sound of the rain, like a delicate chorus of whispers, made it more exotic and foreign feeling.  I didn't pinch myself.  I just took another sip of wine and smiled.

3:27pm

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Day 3 of 92

4:21pm.  Typed the title and wondered, will I, can I keep this up?

Took the day off today.  R went to the Men's Shed.  I was supposed to go to Life Drawing but had a pitiful night, 3rd in a row, and just didn't have the energy.  Drawing like that, 3 hours of total concentration, takes a lot of energy.  At least from me.  Come home wrung out.  Sometimes satisfied and wrung out, sometimes disappointed and wrung out.

Worked on the fussy face of the nude.  Lifted the details with blue tac and have suggested where before I drew.  Works much better.  It fits in with the rest of the picture now. 

Funny to be working on nudes.  I do have another drawing, coloured pencil, which is more my usual stuff - starting out one way, a little surreal with a bird and an arm, but if the past is any indication, what I have on the paper now will be vastly different by the time it's finished. 

Spending these 4 hours on my own is nourishing.  Don't have to be doing anything.  In fact I try and not do anything constructive like too much housework, or berate myself if I don't work on a drawing or do yoga.  If all I do is read or watch mindless tv, somehow that's enough to recharge something in me that needs recharging.  4:27pm.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Day 2 of 92

3:49pm.  Spent the last couple of hours working on a nude study begun in life drawing class.  As usual with me, some of the drawing I quite like while other parts, mainly the head, which has become too busy and fussy, I heartily dislike.  Bah!

Had a call from Lisa of Friends of the Hound (FOTH).  She will be making an appointment to come and assess us and our home to see if we are a good prospect to adopt a greyhound.  Lester finished the dog run which includes access to the Aframe and it looks a treat.  Would've been nice to fence the entire yard but way too much money.

Had a lucid dream last night, probably the first  I've had in 30 years.  A lucid dream which I made into a flying dream...carrying a small grey and white kitten.  Even though I was flying, I couldn't gain much height.  Wonder what that says.  I sailed over hedgerows and fields but flying up into the stratosphere was beyond me.  I realized that in the dream but couldn't seem to do anything about it. 

The dream became lucid while dreaming a very complicated dream of lots of people coming over and sitting in my (strange to me) living room.  I didn't have any food for them but offered to feed their dogs.  Everyone was sullenly crowded together on the furniture.  What made it worse was I hadn't invited them so if they didn't want to be there that was their problem.  Not sure at what point I realized that I was dreaming and decided to ditch the stuffy living room to go fly over field and paddock. 

And it's 3:56.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Right I'm inspired.  Read an article about devoting two minutes to something you felt you didn't have time for.  Just two minutes.  About the time it takes to brush one's teeth.  And giving that daily two minutes for 92 days.  It takes about 10,000 repetitions to form a new habit but heck, 92 days is a good start.

If more than 2 minutes is used, all the better but two minutes minimum.

So, I've filled in an adoption form for a greyhound but haven't sent it yet as I want R to read it first.  R has begun physiotherapy specifically designed for people with Parkinsons and it is already making a difference.  We bought a new used Skoda Yeti (christened after a PG Wodehouse character, the newt loving Augustus Fink Nottle) and gave Jeeves, my darling loyal little Yaris, to a friend and her daughter.

And there's my 2 minutes. 

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Just read something horrendous in a piece entitled 13 Things You Must Give Up to Live the Life You Want by Zdravko Cvijetic on Uplift (http://upliftconnect.com):

On your last day on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become. — Anonymous

If that doesn't light a fire under my backside....

Have been at odds with myself for a while.  The quote above plus a post from a friend (thanks KS) have inspired  me to write here.  I've been silent too long.

Partly because of not wanting to dwell and therefore make more important the negative things that I live with (and to not inflict those things on others) but also just not making the TIME to write. 

I make busy.  I make work.  And there's always work; cooking, cleaning, washing, blah blah blah.  So I can feel good about myself by keeping up the appearance of usefulness, of keeping up my end of things, of earning my right to be here.  Yet, by ignoring the things which make me ME, the things which I and I alone can create, I nullify the gift of my life.  I become just one of the herd; without individuality, without joy, without spark. 

And now, more than ever, I need the gifts I was born with because other aspects of my life which are out of my control, assume and consume more time and energy than before.  To keep sane, I HAVE to cherish and use the truest part of me. 

And there's another bit, a harder bit, the bit about being honest.  Other people seem to have their act together.  I feel like I'm fraying at the seams and that my 'act' is held together by force of will alone.  Heard a phrase from a song by Pink (and I don't follow modern music so have no idea what the name of the song was) where she said I don't want to control, I want to let go.

Well, yeah.

Is that the secret?  To let go so that I sink into the person I might become rather than spinning my wheels maintaining the illusion of this person I suppose myself to be?  It's hard work, dishonesty.  Oh, but the courage required to let go....