Guitar lesson today.  Still abysmal but marginally less abysmal than before.  Perhaps rather than abysmal it's bysmal.   Nick helped me with tempo, which, because I struggle with note finding - specifically D! - was good.  Some of the music, no problem, others, where I find the fingering to be tricky - tempo goes out the window.  Anyway, was pleased a few pieces played well - and the ones which pose problems, I have a solid foundation with which to practice.

Hot here today.  Should be walking now but too hot for Mikaela.  Have to get her little wading pool out and filled.  Trying not to use water until this drought breaks.  We had 20mm a few days ago but no follow up rain.  Everything is still green here - after all we live in the Tweed Valley - but it's a false sense of security.  The ground is quite dry, even the Tweed River is down.  Surely the rains will come.  Last year in October we had 300mm!

No writing today as after lesson and lunch picked up Richard and went shopping.  Hard on him.  He is especially tired after a day at the Men's Shed.  He's been struggling the last few days, quite out of it.  We had some hygiene issues yesterday and after boasting how I'd been keeping an even keel and just dealing with it and moving on, I got angry and frustrated.  No excuse but he argues.  I ask how can we deal with this, what would best help you to do the things that must need doing and if you can't do them, how about if I help?  Nope.  He says.  Draws the line in the sand.  As do I because we can't have the issues we had yesterday.  It's not just me being prissy.  It's hygiene.  E. coli etc.  Finally I lost it and as he argued I said, 'Go away.  I mean it.  Go away!'  And then of course feel like a complete shit because he can't help how he is and it's up to me to be the adult.  Sigh.  It's a process.

All is well between us today.  I do apologize after I've calmed down and he graciously accepts my apology.

On a lighter note.  We've had 3 visiting cockatoos today.  Wanted to attract them to entertain Richard.  He misses Caruso still although he realizes releasing him was the right thing to do.  Knew there were some newbies in the area for I saw a resident cockatoo trying to drive off one of the interlopers.  The newbies have been quite vocal too.  Don't know if they've come from out west where the drought drives them east or if they are released birds.  The big male is either very bold (although cautious) or has known humans in the past.  He listens attentively when I talk to him.

Days I get things done are wonderful days.  Not busy-making days, although those are satisfying in their way too, but creative days.  Of course days when I have worked on the book are the most satisfying.  I used to aim for 1000 words a day.  Now I am satisfied with 500.  Stephen King writes 2000.   If I had a wife I'd try for 2000 a day too.  Yes, I could squeeze out extra time, not watch tv at night with Richard, not brush my elderly cats who don't groom as well as they used to, not waste time looking at greyhound rescue sites, as I did today, or check out the latest on Instagram, as I also did, or practice guitar, which I also did! or work on an entry for Inktober, ditto - but those things; lunch and the making of it, cleaning up after Richard (one of his bad days - but I kept my cool - so much better than before - find the good!) so this is my life and I'm glad to have it, with its more challenging bits included. 

I did see a crimson rosella this morning and the writing went pretty well and the drawing is okay and the sky is blue, the day warm and I planted 5 chocolate fruit tree seeds - what's not to love?

Plus there was someone on Instagram admitting they don't like being hugged in a village where everyone hugs at every casual meeting.  So I wrote ditto.  I'm a better hugger than before but would prefer not to be hugged by anyone other than Richard.  I love his hugs - everyone else?  keep your hugs to home, thanks.

So off to practice yoga without which I'd stiffen up in no time.  Have missed two consecutive days before and start to seize up.  Use it or bloody well lose it!

Strange dream (a bit of an understatement)

I dreamed of suicide again last night.  No, I'm not in the least suicidal nor do I wake up depressed and angst ridden.  Then of course dreaming of taking one's life is not to be pooh-poohed as of no consequence either.  This time, and it was so vivid, it was my 2nd and 3rd husband, Wayne who did the deed.  I had a small derringer which I gave to him, asking him if he would.  So he shot me in the eye as a derringer isn't powerful and might not get through a thick skull.  As I died I called out to the cats, I'm sorry!  I love you. and felt terrible as I was shirking my responsibilities to everyone; Richard, the animals, esp. the animals as Richard wouldn't have the wherewithal to care for them

Then I saw myself fall forward.  We'd been kneeling and I keeled over like that footage one sees of executed prisoners of war.  I stood outside myself and watched me die.  But of course I wasn't dead.  I also felt bad because Wayne wanted to die too (he actually died years ago) but I couldn't shoot him as I was already dead.

Strange.

Then not so strange as it seems the dream is only reflecting what I feel.  I feel trapped.  Of course I do.  I love Richard and will stay with him but if I didn't a bit constrained compared to the old age I'd envisioned, then I'd be abnormal.

And we all know I'm as normal as peanut butter.

Sore finger.  Left forefinger having to press hard and repeatedly on C.  It seems, despite callous, a nerve is hit for a sharp pain jabs.  Sore fingers is one thing, this needle blow quite another.  Hope it goes away with time.  Didn't know guitar playing would be so physically difficult - but then cranking the left arm around the neck to play chords, cramming fingers into awkward positions with strength enough to depress strings ... I don't find it easy.

Just listened to Roxane Elfasci play Debussy's Claire de Lune on the guitar.  Exquisite.  Seemingly impossible to do but she does. 

Then I pick up my poor little Yamaha and clunk my way through scales and beginner pieces.

Sigh.

Anthony came for a visit today.  Was a bit shocked.  Saw Richard as he really is, in other words, saw the dementia in full twisted flight today as it isn't one of Richard's clearer days.  Anthony got quite emotional.  Richard's dementia has been buffered by the conversation before.  When his family is here we are all talking while Richard listens.  Today it was just the 3 of us  - and reality hit home.  Quite sad him seeing his father like this - a man who was always strong and in control - without being controlling. 

But Richard was glad to see him and that was good.  We ate here rather than going somewhere - and that was good too.  Personally I think Anthony needed a good dose of reality, to know the stage his father is at so that further deterioration won't so shocking.  If he'd been distracted by going out to lunch or having the others around he could've postponed this reality check. 

After a couple of weeks of not working on the book I did get some writing done today.  Curious as to what happens to Tanguy et al in The City.  Guess I'll find out!

Have been taking part in Inktober, where one draws something every day in ink and posts it to Instagram.  A few of my drawings have been done last thing at night.  Last night threw something together which I was embarrassed to put up - and lo and behold - had a nice comment and a few likes.  Will wonders ever cease?

Has been a good Sunday.  Most work done - not all - and didn't have to be anywhere other than this lovely lovely place - and saw a wallaby come to the driveway looking for leftover papaya or watermelon.  Didn't know.  Now I'll leave extra out - so the bush turkeys aren't the only ones that get a feed.