No news on either house.  Ours remains unsold and thankfully so does the Burringbar house.

When we found this place, I knew it was ours.  I knew we belonged here and so we have, for 25 years.  When we walked through the Burringbar house, I knew (and don't want to doubt that I knew) that it was our next new home.  It felt as though it welcomed us, wanted us there as surely as this house did.  Feel this house is on to its next phase, that someone will take it further; insulate it, install a/c, perhaps pave the driveway or enclose the garage.  I don't know but we've done our dash, saved it from a slow decline into dereliction.  It was loved, is loved, and it shows.

Nevertheless, I can leave it and move on.

Again and again I wonder how I have the temerity to want something else, something more when I already have so much.  Oh, the guilt!  The guilt inherent in simply wanting something other than what already is mine by virtue of being alive.  I have no easy answer nor do I have the ability, apparently, to shed the guilt as easily as I would shed a stained shirt.  So I'll move on because this was not the reason I opened blogger today.

I opened it because I was writing a scene in my head while asleep last night, one of the times I was asleep in what is turning into a regular pattern of irregular sleep.

I could just cry right now.  Ran an online 6 card Tarot spread ( http://www.free-tarot-reading.net ) with the burning question.  Will we get that house?  This is the result.

Card 1:  How you feel about yourself »

Strength

You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed.
Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top.
If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.
 (I worry whether I'll have the strength to cope with the move, Richard and his particular health challenges and my own failings - but despite fear have always felt that I'll never be faced with more than I can handle - so yes, I do have the strength).

Card 2:  What you want most right now »

The Hanged Man

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is to have it all! Why should you have to give something or someone up?
Perhaps you feel a victim and that events are not going as planned. Trust that this is a passage from one phase of your life to another.
If you are not sure what or who you need to give up, trust that things will resolve themselves over time and whatever the outcome it will ultimately be to your benefit.
(This sums is up perfectly.  The Hanged Man also means stasis which beautifully describes this limbo we find ourselves in)

Card 3:   Your fears »

Death

You are afraid of experiencing turbulent and catastrophic change, as we all are, yet such challenging transformation in our lives helps create the space for something new.
If you are experiencing or have just experienced losing a job, a bereavement, divorce or the end of a relationship, these changes will allow new experiences and opportunities to enter your life.
(Of course this is the Death of one phase of our life and the start of another.  There are always challenges in change.  It is not only the Death of living here, it is the Death of our relationship based on equal health.  Nevertheless, Bring it on!  )

Card 4:   What is going for you »

The World

Success, fulfillment and conclusion are near at hand - the successful outcome to a venture, satisfaction in a relationship and efforts rewarded. It is a culmination of events and indicates material wealth and greater spiritual awareness. You may choose to buy that dream house or a wonderfully fulfilling relationship is on offer, enjoy!

(What can I say?  'You may choose to buy that dream house', well, yay!)

Card 5:   What is going against you »

The Chariot

Watch out for being too arrogant or letting that ego of yours get over inflated, nobody likes a know it all. Watch that temper too, aggressive bullying behaviour will only set you back. If this doesn't sound like you, beware of someone like this that could set you back. This is a time of movement and change, and conflicts ending in victory, so don't give up.

(Notice a tendency to be impatient with R when he doesn't understand what I'm saying.  It is not him, it is not his fault - so I must watch myself and always ALWAYS treat with love and patience.  A big learning curve for this impatient and knowitall Sagittarian.  Had to stop and backtrack when I found myself making decisions without consulting him.  Have to include him, have to take the time to explain things fully so that he understands and is comfortable with the decisions being made.  So a timely reminder to keep in mind).

Card 6:  The likely outcome »

Justice

Justice will be done. Decisions will go in your favour, particularly regarding partnerships or legal matters. A time for some good luck and reward for your good deeds in the past.

(What can I say but Yes!  and Thank You!)

I wrote no more of the previous post as I was still at Helen's, everyone woke up and the day began.

The Burringbar house.  High and gloriously adorned with views in three directions.  Not dramatic views as at the Nobbys Creek house but striking views nevertheless of the Border Ranges, and that sweeping arc of palm studded jungle to the north.  A wide wooden deck inviting elbow-leaning on the rail with a glass of something red at hand. 

Wood floors everywhere but bedrooms.  A pantry in the kitchen corner with good light and good access.  Gas stove.  Huge master bedroom with ensuite and access to deck.  Private office, also with view.  The house just opens its arms wide and embraces.  I see us living there. 

We made an offer and it was accepted contingent upon our house selling.  Loved that.  Rather than the dismaying back and forth faffing about with offers and counter offers, I (we) made an offer  which was less than their asking price but still a meaty amount.  It was accepted by the next email.  Everybody happy.

So now the mad cleaning for the hopeful second visit of the people interested in our house.  They were supposed to come last Monday but a death in the family postponed it until tomorrow.  No confirmation as yet but I've mopped and dusted and today will be devoted to raking and windows and more raking. 

Many people thinking good thoughts for us.  I am excited but also a fatalistic part of me, who better sees the big picture, knows that if is falls through it is for a reason that is ultimately to our advantage.  So we wait and hope.

WRITTEN JULY 4, AT CURRUMBIN BEACH.  2:30pm

Sitting outside, across the street from the beach (mickey bird just landed, looked me right in the eye and plucked a crumb  from the table).  Within seconds of sitting down I saw the telltale plume of a humpback whale heading south followed by the arcing black curve of its back.

The beach.  How I want to live near the beach.  Tomorrow Helen and I go to Nobbys Creek, 35 minutes from the beach, to view a property.   At 3pm we view another, 15 minutes from the beach.  At this point there is no contest.

The sea is calm, not quite glassy but a frustration for surfers.  It is a series of blue and green striations.  The horizon draws my soul out and away and free.

Flocks of seagulls riding the upwelling of sea air hitting the beach.  Warm sun on my neck after 2 degrees at home this morning.  Mellow and beautiful.  Happy.

A guilty pleasure for R is home minding the animals.  And, as much as I love him, I am relieved to be on my own, anonymous and empress of my time for at least a few hours.  Meet Helen's brother at 4:30.  Helen returning from Melbourne 9:30 this evening.

The last time I really had this solitude was in Charlevoix, how many years ago?  Spent the night alone in the house.  What fun.  Beholden to nothing and no one.

July 5, Sunday.

Found the house we're going to buy:  at Burringbar, NSW.

At first we went to the Nobbys Creek house.  Drove through dark green tunnels on a roller coaster road.  (Used the sat nav on my new smart phone.  I am old enough to be continuously astounded by modern technology).  Met a very fine realtor, Wally, at the house.  The outside was just as it looked in the photos; neat, tidy, conservatively landscaped.  The views, the magnificent vista - to die for, steep rocky escarpmets, a vertical wall of rock at athe face of a solid wall of mountains.

Grounds steep, difficult for aviary placement. Lush.  No shelters or sheds near the paddocks.  But doable.  Dog fenced, carport, magnificent shed for R.

Then we went inside the house.  My heart sank.   I wanted to love the house for R's sake.  Nothing obviously wrong with it; bedrooms a good size, neat and tidy and new, bathroom, laundry, all the normal stuff - but it had no soul.  It was cold and barren and although I politely took the tour with Wally, I couldn't wait to get outside.

Is this what it's going to be like, I asked myself.  Is there something wrong with me that I felt such an aversion to a perfectly normal house?  But you can't force a feeling that isn't there.

Fortunately, oh fortunately! Helen hated it too.  She also felt it was cold and barren.

After thanking Wally we left and had lunch at Mavis' kitchen, an old high set Queenslander converted into a popular restaurant, where I had the strongest coffee I've ever had.

Then it was time to find the Burringbar house.  We drove past and then drove to the sea to time it.  Fifteen minutes.  Parked the car, walked out onto an estuary where people were fishing and followed a path to the widest brightest beach and the white wave fringed sea.

By that time we had to drive straight back to make our appointment with the owner. 

Steep driveway after hard right turn inside the gate.  Flat area on top for aviaries although they will have to be a bit scattered, not enough flat land to put them all in one area (NB no near neighbours to be bothered by screaming birds).

J came out with a toddler and a talkative 4 year old and gave the tour.

Won't try and describe each room.  Oh!  First thing I noticed when getting out of the car, which was noticeably absent at Nobbys Creek, was bird song.  A sold wall of jungle rises behind the house - it rang with music.

Inside, a house of toddlers and a man whose wife is on the road; cluttered and dusty and in some places having a slight gamey smell - but what a house!