Raining, cold silver darts striking the earth with little explosions of water. First time since we've lived here that there has been green grass in August. But enough of the weather. I'm just glad I"m inside with a fire going and a warm cat on my lap.
Speaking of cats. Natalia's xrays were clear. No crystals in her bladder, kidney's fine. The only thing shown was that she would soon do a very large poo. Which she did. Vaccinated her with an F5 and hope that she doesn't have the herpes strain of cat flu. She was very quiet that night. I think the vaccination affected her but now, two days later, she's back to being a mega kitten.
I do suspect she is part Burmese. She has the look of a Burmese and also the aroma. Loki Chien, the only Burmese we've ever had, always smelled delightful. Well, all cats smell good unless they're unwell but his scent was especially sweet. Natalia has that sweet scent too. It was so noticeable I thought at first it was perfume but it wasn't my perfume - it was hers. She also behaves somewhat like a Burmese. Wherever I am, she is. Follows me around a lot and if I'm sitting she's on my lap. She's not afraid of R but she doesn't sit near or on him.
On other fronts. No dreams. Wake up, remember that I had a dream and in the remembering forget it. That searching, soul searching or searching for my soul. It's as closeasthis and as far away as the Horsehead Nebula. Why did that partially drug and alcohol induced spirituality of my twenties disappear. Then again, as Prem Rawat (is that his name?) said yesterday, that which searches is IT. Fulfillment won't come from being with R or the animals or painting pictures, it comes from within. That oceanic feeling described by Jung. More I think it's a remembering. 'Become as little children'. Children are agog in the world, full of fun and mystery and free from the boredom of having seen it all before and therefore taking it for granted.
some hours later: You know there are those times when you are just sick of yourself? When you know you can do better but don't? And why don't you do better? It's like pushing the accelerator at the same time as holding the clutch so that you effectively just spin your wheels, burn rubber and make an unpleasant burnt rubber smell. Well, that's been my day. THANK GOD FOR THE DICE! Finally, when I was just just absolutely up to here with procrastinating, with looking at shit web sites and watching shit television or playing shit games and doing nothing beyond the usual must do chores, I rolled the dice in desperation. Very simple choices: yoga, walk the dogs, blog, clean the bathroom with sugar soap prior to painting, work with Jack and paint. Came up bathroom so I got off my lazy ass and sugar soaped the bathroom. Then it said paint so I signed my name to that last picture and proceeded to tidy up loose ends. By that time it was time to feed up and do afternoon chores which I've done. R has gone to Brisbane for M's 40th birthday party. As per usual, I begged off.
Are other people nuts like this. Do they drive themselves nuts like this? Everyone else appears sane, like they've got it together and sail through life doing what they do without a second thought or second guessing. Do other people struggle with this brake and accelerator thing like I do. Is anyone else just plain buck lazy like I am?
You know what it boils down to. Self-loathing. Why do I saddle myself with this? (And what boring self-absorbed, negative, crappy writing this is). So end it. Go finish the painting which is nearly nearly there and does please me. Go allow Natalia who, for some unknown reason, seems to adore me, to sit in my lap and purr and assure me all is well with the world, go eat something for dinner and think about maybe doing some positive affirmations so that I don't fall apart and just wallow.
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