Post 47 of 92

Sky is just beginning to lighten.  It's not that early but we're still on daylight saving which makes 6:30 look like 4:30.  There's a push to change back March 1 rather than Easter.  I heartily agree.

Have been writing and painting and reading and practicing guitar and yoga-ing in addition to the usual stuff. Had a pretty bad day last week.  Not sleeping, overly sensitive, depressed but other thatnthat 2 day blip I'm staying afloat pretty well.  What else is there to do?  The deterioration in Richard seems to be more pronounced or happening faster than before.  He was doing the dishes (I cook, he washes up) without water in the sink.  His verbal skills often fail and we spend more time than usual uncovering what he wants to say.  Sometimes he can just show me.  Have made a dentist appointment for next week as his teeth are in a dire need of a clean.  He brushes them twice a day but I didn't know he wasn't brushing them well.  The Parkinsons interferes with manual dexterity so that he isn't getting the brush around his teeth as he should.  Which accounts for his terrible breath.  Maybe that will help.  That and getting him on an electric toothbrush. 

Dental hygiene isn't the sort of thing I considered would be an issue. 

But we're ok. 

Was pushed and cajoled and asked to apply for Art Post Uki, which I did - and was knocked back.  S in a terrible position as she had to tell me when she was the one who nagged, and I mean nagged, in the nicest sort of way, to apply.  Now I have been asked to re-apply.  But I won't.  All my adult life I have sketched and drawn for my own pleasure.  Last year I sold a few pieces, before that I'd given some away, bartered some, had one in a raffle - but there was never any pressure to please any one other than myself.  So I was happy.  Of course some days (many days) I couldn't draw worth crap or was bereft of ideas or just generally uninspired, so although I could be frustrated about my work, I was never sad.  Creating art never made me sad. 

When I was refused I was sad.  Thin skinned, ego deflated, too proud, yes all those things but also really sad.  Someone had a say about my work that meant something.  One auditor liked it, another didn't (awkward composition, doesn't know anatomy).  I've always created stuff for me.  If another liked it, or loved it, wonderful, but it was always for me.  Now I'd let someone else's opinion matter.

So I've made a decision.  No more.  I'll show in the locals, I've got 2 in a raffle next month, but I will never put myself in a position where I'm chasing 'success'.  I was told if I had a 'theme' or made this item my signature in every work or told a story....  This is a different version but the same thing Mal Camin said to me 40 years ago, 'if you change your colour palette your work will sell' and he'd sold out to Worth Avenue and Martha's Vineyard to do family portraits of the wealthy.  He was a talented artist but he was sad.