In a strange way I think I've been set free.  When I wrote the email to the boys, I was as clear and as honest as I was capable of being.  Granted, it is only my opinion and I may be wrong.  Still the answer I reeived from Anthony kind of lets me off the hook.  If communication is so fraught and misunderstood then what's the point? 

His reply was:  These exchanges don't feel or sound positive to me. Quite the opposite. I will say that some of the things you mention I agree with and some I disagree with completely. We are just trying to discuss and have input into how we see Dad and how to to help him.     .

As I get down to visit Dad I'll continue to do the very best I can. Further discussion re the below is pointless - and I shall certainly keep my views and experiences reference grief and trauma to myself....

Probably I am overly sensitive.  Nevertheless if I am scolded for my 'views and experiences referenc*ing* grief and trauma' and I am less than positive, well so be it. 

Strictly business then.  I'll do as I've always done - when they weren't included, weren't interested in being included, and look after Richard. 

Maybe I just wanted someone in the family to share the burden with.  My friends have been and are invaluable but they aren't family.  But I was wrong.  They are.