Reminded again and again what little control I have over myself.  A perceived or real slight and I grab it and run to the nearest dark corner chewing and growling.  Got another email from Cam, still banging on about Richard coming home.  Followed by a 'ditto' email from Anthony who hasn't even been to see him yet!  Nothing I said has made one bit of difference.  So I interpret his letter not as a grieving son trying to avoid reality but as an impugning of my judgement, motives and character. 

Paranoia.

So lay in my uneasy bed with my undisciplined mind plowing the same furrow half the night.  Useless, even worse, it's a malignancy that grows undeterred because I do not have the mental strength or rigour to root it out.

Failed previous attempts at meditation but am going to have to do something to rein in this unruly creature. 

Logically I KNOW I am bigger than this easily bruised ego.  Logically I know I am capable of seeing the beauty in all, even myself.  Logically I can find compassion and empathy.  But when I am mired in this burgeoning ego, I am incapable. 

So I keep getting this lesson (the boys emails).  It's an opportunity to truly do something, to rise above, to be better.  Wouldn't it feel better to love than to resent?  How hard is it?

Pretty hard for me it seems.

Hard but not impossible.  If I can't love at the moment, maybe I can just learn acceptance without judgement.