A Petty Post from a Petty Person

I dunno.  I think everyone must be far more mature than I am.

It's a small thing but so tellingly significant as to the level of my maturity.  I have felt slighted and ignored by someone I thought of as a friend.  It seems any communication centers on them and their activities with no reference to what has gone on in my life.  I have always known this person as being self-absorbed.  It is not a surprise so why suddenly is it an issue?  Because I was reliably  there for them during a prolonged personal crisis.  And, in my small minded way, I felt they owed me. 

I think of interactions between people as a back and forth kind of affair.  You say something, I say something.  You share something, I comment or listen and then I share something.  Not rigidly, one two one two but as a general *feeling*.  But with this person it has all gone one way for quite a while now.  Emails weren't answered and if they were they were answered days or weeks later and not answered with any reference to what I said but only to share some new tidbit in their life. 

So this person sent another email with photos of what they were doing.  No text.  No reference to the fact that I lost and grieved for a budgie I'd had for 4 years or that I had a horse that had a serious eye injury.  And I got petty.  Thought, right, I won't answer for, let me see, three days and then I'll only reply in the subject line.  Petty petty petty.  I was doing yoga and my mind was buzzing with my 'retaliation' for their not paying proper attention to me. 

Yoga is, among many things,a mirror.  When it is clear I am doing yoga.  When it is not, I'm only going through the motions.  When I only go through the motions I fall over, I forget the sequences, I forget to breathe.  Because I do yoga I realized that the only thing my retaliation was accomplishing was the total monopoly of my thoughts about the behaviour of someone else.  I was the only one affected.  I was the only one paying.  I was the only one who cared.  And, by being small minded, my thoughts were small.  Small but heavy.  I could feel my spirit clogged with this chaff of egomania. 

So, right in the middle of yoga, I got up and replied to the email.   Once I did that I felt fine - and free.

Do other people go through this?  I remember seeing my wise grandfather act like a spoiled child with his wife.  He made her cry in front of me and I realized then that I didn't actually know any adults.  My parents were divorcing and it wasn't pretty.   Teachers lost their temper,  tv preachers had mistresses, presidents lied, not one of the grown ups behaved like a grown up all of the time. 

Is that what we're actually here for?  Not to rediscover our identity as gods.  No, our goal is far less grand.  We're here to learn how to be mature adults.  To be truthful, noble, empathetic, compassionate, wise and forgiving.  And if that's the goal, I've such a long long way to go.