Have you ever felt *heavy*? I feel heavy when I've not aligned myself with what is best in me. Typically, because I tend to overeat, it is because I overeat. But it's not only the physical manifestation of overeating, it's a psychic heaviness. Psychic Sludge is as heavy if not heavier than the extra slice of chocolate cake. It is a weighing down of one's spirit.
It is this realization that made me think of how losing bad habits, like smoking, is not so much a denial of pleasure, but a lightening of the load. After all one wouldn't keep wearing scarves and mittens in a sauna. What is not needed is left behind.
I do believe we are a coherent collection of energy. Not random energy in the universe, but an intellgent collection of cooperative energy which has come together to experience this apparent now-ness of present reality. Anyway, without getting too lost in the wherefores and wherewhy's, this coherent thinking collection of energy seems to be experiencing reality as well as seeking its source. And that source is pure, bereft of extraneous *stuff* which weighs it down.
Smoking is one. Why add something so obviously banal and clunky to this pure and perfect spirit. Because we're learning, me thinks. Also because pure spirit is a bit hard to take if not prepared. And Western civilization is anything but prepared. We are the masters of distraction. I am the master of distraction, dissembling, dumbing down. So much easier than facing, no not facing, being, what is within me to be.
Why am I so scared. Why is it so hard to be who we really are? If I knew the answer to that, I could help millions of people. Including myself.
But it is easier to focus on the spare tyre I've collected since qutting smoking 7 months ago. One has to start somewhere after all. It is weighing me down - and I'm not talking in the physical sense. It is a blight on my spirit because I continue to live with this *thing* which has Nothing to do with who I am. It is an accoutrement, an addition, a consciously chosen extra to this life I lead. Doesn't make sense, does it? Why wear those gloves in a hot room? Why wrap a scarp around one's neck when it is already 80 degrees?
There must be hardwired into us this need to do the wrong thing. Is it so that when we overcome it and are true to ourselves the elation is like an intellectual orgasm? For it is a conscious thing.
For instance, I was supposed to go to yoga tonight. I always walk the dogs before I go. I start at 3pm so that I am home and ready to pop into the shower by 4:10pm. If Richard comes with me we need to start 15 minutes earlier. At 3pm Richard decided he'd come for the walk. I hadn't started earlier as I didn't expect him to come. I was peeved. Either the walk would have to be cut short or I wouldn't make it home in time to shower for yoga. But as I walked along, I decided to just let it go? How important was it, after all? So I missed a yoga class. I *made the decision* to not be annoyed.
And what a revelation that was! Instead of being filled with resentment and ruining the walk and the moment, that continuous moment of now, I decided just to let it go. And I had a really nice walk, a really nice evening and a little glow of satisfation at a teeny tiny life lesson successfully implemented.
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