Calmed down now but have spent most of the night wondering how I was going to live.  Received the costings for Richard's stay at Heritage and even with the government's help I have about $180 a week to live on.  From that I have to save enough to pay rates, house insurance and car registraton, insurance. 

Have decided to sell the Skoda.  That will help and I can't justify having two vehicles now Richard won't be coming home.  It was lovely to have a quiet comfortable car for long trips (long being 30 minutes to Tweed and the occasional trek to Brisbane).  The Yeti is the most luxurious car I've ever owned.  It only has 62,000km on it even thought it's 8 years old.  But it has to go.  The serviceable VW Caddy; noisy, rough and with the lingering smell of cigarette smoke from the previous owner will have to do.  But it's a tough little car, reliable and hardworking, great for horse feed and Mikaela.  And it gets from point A to point B and that's all that's needed.

Richard was sitting in a chair yesterday, brighter and more with it.  He kept asking how could he get out of there.  Told him I couldn't look after him - and it took 2 burly people and a walker to get him back to bed.  I feel for him.  He's sick of being sick, sick of the hospital and because he has dementia - no one besides the nursing staff is reaching out to him.  Mr. Genial Sociability is isolated and lonely.  Even though he was having a good day - and that residual guilt bubbled up because he wasn't home with me - I know he isn't safe at home.  Have yet to tell him he's going to Heritage Lodge next week.

The boys still haven't been to visit him.  Anthony was going to research coming across the border.  One click and I find there is no problem and never has been for a Queenslander to come to NSW and return again.  The problem is with NSW residents going to Queensland.  But that is his lookout.  I'm not in their good books anymore.  Cameron emails are civil and businesslike, no saluation, no more 'Love, Cam'.  Ah well. They still don't believe their dad is as bad as he is and think I'm shirking my duty.  But as a wise actor once said, what they think of me is none of my business.  Thanks Anthony Hopkins.