I thought it would be easier when I wasn't looking after him and in a sense, because I know he is safe, it is.  But Jesus, this is tough.  My lovely loving best friend, companion of my heart, disappearing down a tunnel I cannot follow. 

One long long slow goodbye.   A grey morass of grief, an endless sea, flat calm, no horizon, no sun,   Death by nano degree.

Yesterday's visit.  Apathy.  He just watches everything through hooded eys.  Didn't care I came, didn't care I left.  The physical robustess beginning to wan.  His skin with the pallor patina of the sick.  They got him up yesterday to shower but he was a danger to all as he wouldn't take direction. 

I talked and talked and talked.  Showed him pictures of Natalia, spoke of his kids, his siblings, the horses, Mikaela, the weather, anything to give him a fixed point on which he could ground his attention and reel himself back to reality. But it didn't work.

The one good thing of all this, he no longer wants to come home so he's not sad.  He just doesn't care one way or another.