Teary again this morning but able to quash  the prickles behind the eyes. 

Yesterday, in the rush to make early doc appt. didn't have my usual quiet head space moment.  When the coffees are made and the cats fed, I go to the shed to make Mikaela's breakfast as well as the birds'.  Before I start taking breakfast to the aviaries I sit down for a few minutes.  There's one of those decks, like a tarot or angel card deck, from which I pull a card at random.  Today's card, 'Ask and it will be given'.  And my reading, from Iyanla Vanzant's book Until Today, read Help Help Help Help HELP!  
 Kind of appropos methinks.  Recognizing and admitting I need help are two different animals.  Like today, just about ready to head out to the horses when Richard materializes on the deck holding his faece covered hands in front of him.  "It's bad," he says.  I can see that.  "It's everywhere," he says, nodding back toward the shed.  I'd gone down a few minutes before asking if he needs help.  No, he answered although he didn't sound very confident but I left it at that.  Part of keeping him safe is trying to preserve his dignity during the indignity of this period.  

So it was okay.  Just get in there and do what needs to be done, the shower, the disposing and dispersal of soiled clothing, the wiping down of every surface he's touched.  One step then another then another and then he's clean and fresh, dressed.  I've got this!  I've got the new normal.  I can cope.  The threat of tears so far away they may as well be in Marseille.  So what's the big problem?

The problem is it is only papered over with useful business, like those wasted days when instead of doing good stuff like creating, thinking, pulling something from nothing and doing focussed work, the day is awash with busy-ness.  

My hat goes off to every one of those heroes out there who are living this and coping with grace,humour and love.   Have gone through the phases of impatience and anger and 'why me?' and passing through the acceptance phase (I think/hope) to love.  Love truly unconditional.  He can not help.  He can not love like he did.  He is totally dependent.  And the tenderness and love I feel is almost worth the price paid.  Perhaps true acceptance is when it becomes priceless.