Rang Richard yesterday.  Tracy had to hold the phone for him.  He sounded so vague, was often unintelligible, was making an effort I know by asking how I was, came alive when I asked him how he was after his fall (the nurse on duty rang the previous night to say he'd fallen but was unhurt).  He denied falling and then in the next sentence said he was okay after falling.  

He hadn't been getting my letters.  I didn't know Heritage holds letters to give to the family of the resident.  Or at least they do for dementia patients.  Now they know all those letters were from me so perhaps he'll receive a backlog  as I've written every day.  Hurt to know he might think he'd been abandoned, that I hadn't tried to stay in touch.  Then after speaking with him - and it's so obvious he is disappearing into the fog of dementia - perhaps it never occurred to him.  A terrible wish but I sometimes wish dementia would encompass him sooner rather than later.  The end result is a given.  Does it matter if it comes more quickly?  Would it save him from lamenting over his lost life?  

Even before we hung up I was crying.  Could barely say good-bye.  Then I thought, right, I've cried.  It hurts, losing this love and being reminded of what we've lost hurts like hell.  But now I've hung up the phone, what am I going to do, wallow?  Or make myself useful and do something.  So I went outside and loaded the caddy with stuff I took to the tip today.  And it worked.  

I may never be free of the guilt, that I'm here while he is there and he is there because of me (could I have kept him safe for awhile longer?  Could I have kept going longer?  Was I weak or selfish or both?)   But those thoughts, while frequently simmering in the back of my mind, are unhelpful.  

So let it go.  There will be many more tears before this is over.  When it is time to cry, I'll cry.  

In the meantime....

Opened up the software containing "The Book".  Haven't written a thing for months.  Completely out of touch with the story so think the best way back in is just to start reading it from the beginning.  Not editing, just reading and then see if there is a way forward.  

Cut up the painting of the flying cat.  Really only liked the flying cat.  The rest was too busy.  Need the frame for the last drawing as I can't afford to get anything framed.  Have revamped the flying cat drawing.  Simplified it.  Not done yet but it's way way way better - and I have a frame for it!  Have almost finished with another cat drawing, a very chubby cat with a direct no nonsense look in his eye.  He's a combination of several cats, not a direct copy which is good.  But he IS fat.  And I like him!  He also has a frame ready for him.

Images of Uki comes up in October so might enter a few drawings, put reasonable prices on them - since I'm only paying for op shop frames - and sell them on?  Maybe?  If someone likes them and they're cheap enough.  Would be nice.  Like the idea that something I made is liked by someone else enough to pay for it and put it on their wall!  What a lovely thing.