3:28pm. How many times does one start out with high hopes for a project, a creation, only to find one hasn't the skills to complete the vision. The first time this happened to me - and what a cruel loss of innocence it was! - was when I was elected to paint the scenery for the third (or was it fifth) grade class play. Have no idea what the play was about but remember vividly the moment I realized I did not have any idea how to make a sunbeam out of paint and construction paper. I saw the finished backdrop so clearly in my mind's eye yet there I stood, with the weight of failure bowing my head, scissors and pale cream paper in my hands.
It was, and is, a pivotal moment. Every time I start a drawing or a painting and SEE, in my mind's eye, this glorious vision made real, I feel again that same dismay and disappointment when I find once again, I haven't the talent or technique to carry it off.
The good thing is, with experience one knows that the failure is only a projection of my own idea of what I should be -- the inner critic -- that bitch that keeps me from trying things. I don't listen anymore. Or at least not much. So high hopes may not be as high as at the beginning, but hope prevails nonetheless.
3:40pm
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