There's a contradiction, a conclusion, a place that exists only when I stop trying to reach it.  If anything the last few days has taught me it is not the situation, it is never the situation,  but my reaction to the situation which determines reality. 

Further to that, reality won't change, ie I won't be released from this until I stop wanting release.  When I have truly surrendered, when I am completely unmoved by seeming reality while always reacting to said 'reality' from a place of love and acceptance, until then I won't be free. 

It is that impossible zen thing of not wanting the thing I desire.  Once I am free of desire, than I am truly free. 

The ungraspable is tantalizingly almost within my grasp.  But if I 'grasp' it, it will disappear and I'll be living from a place of 'want' and desire and disappointment. 

Striving while not striving...the gift is the love.  My love for Richard, the overwhelming tenderness, the sweet emotion of loving him sets me free in a way I cannot explain. 

It is not something I do or make or exert control over, it is a gift, always there if I only open my eyes and see.

I am grateful, so grateful and pray each day I may always be in a place of love and gratitude.  For distraction, lack of attention, laziness will see me wearing that damn hair shirt again.

Vigiliance!