Yesterday was horrible.  I was horrible. 

The only way I can get through this is by .... and just as I wrote that Richard came in to say it had happened again - so off with the soiled disposable pants, into the shower to wash the crud down the drain (I'd hose him off outside but it's too cold) and to pick up any bits that don't fit through the grill to throw in the loo, get him dry and into clean pants and shorts - the second time today and it's only 2pm.  So this is a repeat of yesterday.  Only it isn't. 

As I started to say, the way to get through this is to surrender.  These circumstances are beyond my control.  I can't cure him.  I can't leave him.  Surrender and acceptance are the only viable options.  That  and to control my reaction.   Attitude is everything.  Yesterday I was angry, disgusted, frustrated, impatient and surly.  And hated myself.  When I finally lay my head on the pillow I cried.  Not because of Richard's inability to control his bowels but because I was ashamed.  Is this how I want to be?  The shrew?   No.  The facade, easy to don, wears like a hair shirt.

 Being justifiably disgusted costs too much. Despite everything, he is still the loving man I married, far more emotionally mature than I.   

So today I vowed I would be different and I am.  The scenario is the same, well actually worse than yesterday but the difference is night and day.  I'm not proud of myself.  I'm just keeping my head above water but we are again a team.  And I approach the problem with pragmatism and a 'one step at a time' attitude. 

So here I am.  He's been cleansed and in a way I have been too.