Well, dutifully taking the BP 3 times a day and it ain't good.  Even with the drug, it's low.  Systolic 107 before he stood up then 89, clearly illustrating the danger he's in from 'postural drop'.  Tempted to up his dose but will hold off until the appt on Wednesday. 

Not sure if I can make the appt.  It's via the mobile, but can still email through the BP stats and state the case the dose should be increased.  Wednesday we might be moving the horses.  Waiting on others for information.  Quite frustrating.  We sold the float and truck so am dependent upon others.  Another lesson in learning trust and most importantly, patience.

My card this morning read:  Surrender and breathe.

My motto when things get a bit much.  I draw that card  fairly, significantly, often.  Duh!

It's funny how old lessons come back to remind you of things you haven't mastered.  When Mom was sick and dying, I was so sure love and positive thinking and praying and WANTING would make her well.  But of course it didn't in the end.  Her life journey was her business, not subject to the desires of her daughter.

Same with Richard.  I am more accepting than I was, but still have this tendency to want to 'make' things be as I want them to be rather than as they are.  But being married and respecting someone's sovereignity over their life is part of the respect one has for one's partner.  Even if that partner is 'not of right mind'.

 It's a strange dichotomy.  Richard is still Richard despite being much reduced in cognitive scope.  He is no less a man or a human than he ever was.  In fact, in some ways he is more himself than he has ever been.  The masks he wears, like we all wear, are being slowly removed as 'surplus to requirements'.  He, while being gentle and soft with me and the animals, has always been a man's man.  Very male, tall and strong.  Those words don't describe him any more.  He is stooped, physically weak, and often the vulnerability and  confusion is visible on his face.    In needing his needs met, in releasing societal strictures about what is normal and what is not, he is more nakedly human than he has ever been.  It's a sort of weird privilege to witness this.