Condensation over every surface in the house.  Rain today.  Feels like summer.  Up at quarter after five having tossed and turned most of the night because of the heat.  Is warmer outside than inside.  Temperatures rose during the night rather than the day.

Excellent visit yesterday.  Practiced wheelchair and walker mobility.  He was more settled, less anxious, not sad although he thinks he's working to get fit enough to come home.  I kept changing the subject although I lay in bed this morning wondering could he come home?  And then the guilt begins because I feel as though I have abandoned him.  Have to be realisitic, all the falls he had - and would have - one would eventually break something.   Wheelchairs won't work here and even a walker, he'd always be lifting it over the sliding glass door tracks - and there are three of them he'd have to cross multiple times a day. 

A memory came unbidden of when I fainted in a theatre many years ago.  As I came to I was overcome with sadness.  I had been vast, endless, in a great silence that wasn't empty and now, coming to consciousness, I was aware how I had to constrict, contort and force my essence into this small being called Holly.  I was bereft.

I mouth and play with the platitudes of the nature of reality but I don't live it.   Reality is a series of have tos, of endless thinking - not thoughts but thinking - of this reality and keeping all the balls in the air.  I don't meditate, I barely acknowledge nature I'm too busy thinking of all the things I must do that day.  I feel very small and very shallow. 

No art making.  I'm filling in a piece but I'm not creating.  I've been looking at the work of William Robinson.  Here's a mind exploring the nature of his reality and coming up with stunning answers. 

And it looks like I'm going to have to find work to offset the cost of everything.  Or get a jobseeker allowance while I look.  Might get paid (with the allowance) while I volunteer at the local vinnies or some such thing. 

As long as I don't owe anyone money and can feed everyone, including myself, it'll be all right.