Dreadful visit.  Started out well enough.  Richard in a chair beside the bed.  I come around the corner and he's all wide-eyed, like a child.  It's a trait, that wide eyed look, which has only manifested since he's been in hospital.  His colour was good - but then twigged he's wearing the exelon patch which makes his colour 'high' so in reality he is quite pale, pale without the grey pallor of the sick.

Told him of the fox I saw yesterday.  Told him about Natalia jumping on the desk and somehow managing to turn off the computer.  Told him how much I loved him. 

He made a moue when I asked how breakfast porridge was.  Turns out he doesn't like porridge.  He said he had a good visit with David. 

Reminded him again how he would be moved to Heritage Lodge on Thursday.  His short term memory is poor.  He remembers selectively.  He remembers things which are of no consequence and forgets the things that are.  Of course to him, what is of consequence and what is not has a different definition.

He kept talking about coming home, how he had to be able to walk to come home.  I would counter by saying if he walked well enough I would take him out for coffee and we would sit on the river.  He seized on that and said he'd fish - not something he's shown one iota of interest in before.  When we moved here I bought him a fishing license but he fished in such a way guaranteed not to harm the fish. 

And then my hour was up and it was time to go.  Asked if there was a message he wanted to pass on to the boys.  "Tell them not to commit suicide," he said.  "Good heavens, they're not going to do that.  Why would you say that?"  "Because if they feel like I do that's what they'd do."

So I cried.   I can't look after him.  Physically impossible.  Took two people to get him into that chair.  But he feels abandoned.  Imprisoned.  Helpless.  All self-determination has been removed.  Dignity too.  I couldn't reassure him but I was crying so hard he felt bad, put a hand on my leg, said forget it.  But of course I can't.  I hope when he gets to Heritage he adjusts to it, they allow him to stay, and he forgives me.