While things begin to assume the predictability of routine the reality of this new life starts to sink in.  Through the emotional tumult the only thing one can do is get through one day after another, do what needs to be done, settle what needs to be settled (and it's unsettled yet.  Until he is moved to Heritage and 'passes' - meaning he isn't too much to handle - we're in a state of limbo).  Yet, the new reality hovers around the edges. 

The new reality is I live alone.  I answer to no one.  My time is my own and save for the obligations and responsibilities of Richard and the animals, I am my own woman.  I haven't known that freedom for over 30 years.   The first day of waking up solo I thought I must begin as I mean to continue. 

But the overarching question is:  who am I and what will I do?  One thing I'll certainly do is sit.  Sit in nature.  Find a rock and sit.  Sit and look.  Sit near a tree and 'feel' its 'treeness'.  Stare at the sky thru the leafy canopy.  Be still long enough the birds forget I'm there. 

I grab nature moments on the run, or the walk as it were.  Walking Mikaela usually.  How luxurious  to sit and do nothing but breathe.  There will always be obligations.  Today I'm not visiting Richard.  Only one person per patient a day is allowed and a friend from the Men's Shed is going instead.  I'd like to play hookey  and go to the beach or launch my child's kayak on the river but the small lawn is overgrown and the weeds around the aviaries lap at the mesh. 

A man comes today to fix the leak in the shed.  I might ask him to help me carry the artist table into the house.  I can't manage it  up the steps.  Going to rehome or relocate Richard's recliner, perhaps to Heritage if they'll take it and I can find someone to help me move it.  In its place I'll put the table and an office chair.  I saw a painting in Mark Shield's office during his op ed with David Brooks on PBS.  Don't know what the painting is about, only saw the intriguing shapes and a small but celebratory itch began.  If the table is up here I can draw in comfort.  Not going to try and heat the shed but I can heat the living room.

Which reminds me how parsimonious I've become.  Doomed to fail living on $180 a week and paying for all the extras of home/car ownership but am giving it a damn good try.  So keeping records.  If I don't spend anything for 2 days then I can afford to buy a 20kg bag of cat litter and one bottle of wine.  Priorities met!