The Tarot reading yesterday made for a peaceful day.  It was so accurate (save for the sentence about pregnancy and the assertion I will meet a new love 'soon') my belief  the Universe has got my back was reaffirmed.  "Calm that mind of yours" it said.   Yes, the hamster on a wheel that is my mind.  The hamster's tiny claws scratchig the metal wheel as it runs and runs and gets nowhere at 2am. 

A reminder just to put one foot in front of another and keep going.  There is no timekeeper, no judge except the quality of the outcome.  There was also the reference to my cantankerousness and rage.  Yes, I am quick to anger and prone to ***k it acts which care regretted later.  Have to remember to breathe.

And to forgive.  The boys.  So they haven't come.  They are fallible and frightened.  Because they have left a visit to their dad so long, it becomes even harder - and the longer they leave it the more difficult it is.  Growing exponentially with every postponement.

And I have done the same.  Many times.  Put off something difficult only to have it eventually loom so large the denial of the thing I must do is far worse than if I'd just done it in the first place.  Also, the shame and fear I haven't looked after Richard well enough, the times I was short with him, the times I was angry with him - like being angry at a kitten.  I am sorry for those moments.  For the love never wavered, just my maturity.

In a way, it has been a gift - having highlighted the worst aspects of my personality and the desire, because of my love for him, to do better.  And I did.  Far from perfect but I did do better.

Helen visited yesterday.  Richard glad to see her although he had one of those days when he seems unable to stop staring at a spot about 2 feet down and to the left of the person he is talking to.  He looked well and was nicely dressed.  Helen liked Heritage.  Am going to take him his bedside lamp to replace the Heritage one.  Has a warmer light and is a bit of home. 

Still working on replacing the toilet seat.  Third time lucky I thought.  The latest toilet seat is the right shape, is made for an enclosed pan, all systems go - but the plastic things which are to be inserted into the two holes to afix the seat are too big.  It's a caroma toilet, a well known popular brand.  How could they not fit.  So got the dremel and am trying to grind away the enamel.  Using up the ball on the end of the dremel so it's an interesting competition - which will succeed, the ball or the hole?